Synopsis of each of the 8 tapes and each story on each tape follows: There are 8 humble Farmer audio tapes.

. Thanks for your interest.

Cassette 11 Side 1 Maine Speech

1. Ghosts (Patients in a nursing home suddenly take an interest in living: a Christmas mystery is never explained)

2. Back Payments Due (Uncle Ern loses a lawsuit when his wife testifies against him)

3. Brutality (A middle aged man swears he will never visit a dentist again until some changes are made)

4. Maine Speech (A sociological, pedantic survey: why we talk this way)

5. Olympic Material (Gramp Wiley is a liar of Olympic caliber)

6. Safety Regulations (Government bureaucrats get carried away with regulations)

7. Quality (Make a better product: and you'll go out of business)

8. The Pedant (For people who look down on "ain't" but say, "He gave it to John and I yesterday.")

Cassette 11 Side 2 Maine Speech

1. Pros & Cons of Auto Control (It's something like gun control)

2. Chicken Poop For The Soil (The first Gramp Wiley story: a Maine farmer fertilizes)

3. Modern Education (Educational guidelines for today)

4. The Legal Scholar (The best legal minds in Maine today didn't go to law school)

5.A Dialogue (Gramp Wiley, as Socrates, advises Paunchamedes, the fat hedonist)

6. Noise (Gramp Wiley hears two car doors slam when his bachelor neighbor arrives home late at night)

7. No Nonsense (A retired librarian working as night clerk goes by the regulations when dealing with a hold up man)

8. The Auto Makers (Standard Oil's experts prove that a solar car won't work)

Cassette 12 Side 1 The Art Park

1. Simulators (Student teaching, art training & marriage, simulated by computers)

2. Dry Wood (Gramp Wiley tells how to get heat out of an old wood stove)

3. The Con Persons (Is it junk, paint sloppings or modern art?)

4. The Prospector (One day the poor grandson of an old prospector is working on his cellar wall when he suddenly quits and never works again)

5. The Art Park (A social commentary on abstract art)

6. The Hoss Trader (Selling real estate in Maine is horse trading)

7. House Pets (Pigs are ideal house pets: don't chase cars, don't shed)

Cassette 12 Side 2 The Art Park

1. The Mobster (Need to break someone's leg? --- give them a ticket to the ski slopes at Sugarloaf)

2. A Real Life Drama (Why are Maine men who shoot bear afraid of a rat?)

3. Green Olives (How to choose a Maine restaurant)

4. The Trust Fund (A shrink helps a Maine man learn to trust all women)

5. Anything's An Improvement (He quit teaching to clean lavatories in the NYC subway system: his neighbors don't look down on him any more)

Cassette 13 Side 1 Conflict

1. The Survivalists (Thrifty Uncle Ern built his house out of hardtack --- ate the spare room when the kids moved out)

2. The Student (Freshman at college struggles with the bureaucracy)

3. Conflict (Psychologist Addler says that if Gramp Wiley wants a happy marriage he's got to be willing to fight for it)

4. The Urbanite (Man from the city is mugged in Maine --- it makes him so homesick that he moves back to Boston)

5. The Writer (His stories are so meaningless and poorly written that only the New Yorker will publish them)

6. Surnames (Cooper made barrels, Smith worked iron, Crocker lied)

7. The Cynic (Gramp Wiley teaches a lesson about people: too proud to have food given to them --- they steal it at night)

Cassette 13 Side 2 Conflict

1. The Artist (If Andy Wyeth paints our house we'd never get no rest from slick magazine reporters and arty photographers)

2. Self Esteem (All men who work hard are insecure --- what happens when California psychology touches a successful Maine logger)

3. Switchell Root (It looks like a potato, you put it in your armpit, it's highly addictive and kills over 300,000 Americans yearly: no wonder kids can't wait to try it)

4. Scientific Improvements (Gramp Wiley says that when things aren't made to wear out quickly, the economy collapses. See the Depression)

5. The Storekeeper (The true story of a Maine storekeeper --- she put her keys in the coffee grinder, changed diapers on the counter, etc.)

6. Nutrition (The head guru at a Nutrition camp accidentally starves)

7. A Thriller (Driving in Boston --- all cars are new because they are stolen within 18 months)

Cassette 14 Side 1 The Awards Banquet

1. Newspaper Editors (You're OK as long as you don't knock sports)

2. Tales After School (Why the third grade no longer has show and tell: last night little Leroy heard his father moaning as he did his income tax)

3. The Subversives (They work, they save, they don't spend, they retire at 40. Too many of them could destroy America)

4. The Citizen Of The Year (Even living on welfare he keeps 3 dogs)

5. One Of The Neighbors (A real Maine man goes to the kootchie show, etc.)

6. The Awards Banquet (Al Peel saved the economy by inventing dry skin --- now women spend billions trying to keep their skin moist. = Sweat)

Cassette 14 Side 2 The Awards Banquet

1. Who's In Charge Here? (A Grammar school principal eagerly takes the janitor's job so he can finally get paid for cleaning up)

2. He Had A Beautiful Body (Taken from an Old Howard vaudeville routine)

3. Gray Hair (The principal discovers why Johnny is reading three years above his grade level --- and dad's hair turns gray)

4. Soap Operas (Every soap opera you've ever seen condensed to 3 minutes)

5. The Genie (A modern genie can't get replacement parts but gives you an 800 number to call in Boston)

6. Day Dreams (Adapted from an old English story about a man who dreams he finds gold in his back yard)

7. Mid Life Crisis (Psychologist Addler counsels a troubled man who is worried because he isn't having an affair with his secretary)

Cassette 15 Side 1 The Real Meaning of Christmas

1. The Real Meaning of Christmas (A Christmas story for the 2000s that will play on your heartstrings. Many requests for this)

2. My Friend Addler (His kid is abnormal --- hates video games and the sex and violence on TV but loves to read Isaac Asimov & Twain)

3. The Rest Home (How would the Lone Ranger improve his ratings nowadays? Meanwhile, Tonto slides a TV dinner into the campfire)

4. The Speaker (It must be easy and it must be profitable: every politician who gets out of jail immediately takes to the platform)

5. Life-styles (When the kids learned that Granny had $20,000 squirreled away, they put her in a rest home so they could spend it)

Cassette 15 Side 2 The Real Meaning of Christmas

1. Letter To Home (A young girl writes home about her wonderful job in a Maine restaurant --- after this you'll never eat in one again)

2. The Perfect Store (How to buy beer & cigarettes with food stamps in a Maine store)

3. The Big Shot (Yankee magazine reprinted part of this story --- how the lobster retailers skin the tourists in Maine)

4. Hard News (The motel is robbed but the editor doesn't print the story --- he owns both and it might discourage tourists)

5. Experts (Reprinted in the Boston Herald --- an expert is someone who knows it can't be done --- a fool simply goes ahead and does it)

6. Who is Crazy? (New system keeps spark in marriage bright --- you live with despicable creeps and sneak off to see your spouse at night)

Cassette 16 Side 1 Art & Artists

1. The Educational Party (Superintendent of schools tells what is wrong with education today and what he is doing about it)

2. The Black Fly Party (Ornithologist wants to meet young woman willing to sacrifice everything for a few cheep thrills --- personal ads)

3. Art & Artists (The economy in NH is so good that people can paint their weathered barns: artists have been forced to flee to Maine)

4. The Salesman (Artist who wanted to suffer in poverty failed: sold everything he ever painted. He should have gotten an agent)

5. The Dowager (Rich kids trying to look poor and poor kids trying to look rich have confused their parents.)

6. Playing With Words (The dating game for young [35-50] singles)

Cassette 16 Side 2 Art & Artists

1. Old Age (Gramp Wiley still loves his wife --- in 60 years she has never once cried about not having a meaningful relationship)

2. Trust Fund Hippies (Granola cultists waste away to skeletal frames --- those who don't starve to death get jobs as fashion models)

3. Something For Nothing (The premise of any con scam is something for nothing --- "the state will pay for the new schools.")

4. The Good Samaritan (A city man is saved by a cabin dwelling hippie)

5. Nostalgia (Nostalgia is the misery of today as seen in 50 years)

6. Lost In The Woods (A city man gets lost in the Maine woods yearly --- it becomes an annual media event --- up here he is Somebody)

7. Good Looks (Homely boys turn into good looking men when they reach the magic age of 40 and can take young women to Europe)

Cassette 17 Side 1 Mutual Suffering

1. Producing Interesting Copy (True newspaper reports from down east)

2. Modern Senior Citizens (Carry more drugs than you'd find in a rock band)

3. Alumni Day (Teachers can't afford to take a day off to attend)

4. Mutual Suffering (marriage)

5. The Food Critic (A snob's guide to fine dining in Maine)

5. Gramp Wiley Talks Sense (cute kittens on calendars have been stuffed)

6. King For A Day (King Lear, Midas and the hemophilia crowd)

Cassette 17 Side 2 Mutual Suffering

1. The Shoppers' Olympics (They shut down the store when they found out they could still provide the same amount of service)

2. Gramp Wiley's Comprehensive Plan (Pay teachers as much as doctors? One is in charge of your child's body --- the other only his mind)

3. Working Together in Harmony (City council meetings run as tag team wrestling match. City manager rattles chain link belt)

4. Protecting The Public (The only excuse for professional licensing is to keep those who are in in and those who are out out)

5. I Enjoy Gossip (Changing times --- call an 800 number to find out what Swedes are calling themselves this week)

6. Money in Circulation (Woman without food or heat in home has appointment with hairdresser)

7. The Right To Know (Reporter Deep Ink provides prefabricated opinions)

Cassette 18 Side 1 Why The Upper Class Can't Sleep

1. Clint Eastwood: Master Wimp (Real men cry when Clint discards his .44 Auto Mag for a .38 barely adequate for shooting small mice)

2. The Granola Poultice (Hippie uses granola instead of salt pork to draw out the infection --- but granola ferments)

3. Merit Pay For Teachers (The basic flaw is that education can be measured --- a carry over from our industrialized society)

4. The Great Mogul (How many in Rockland were fleeced by a super con man)

5. Professionalism (Yogis fight at their convention over how many nails should be in a bed or which type of hot coals pollutes the most)

6. Why the Upper Class Can't Sleep (Worrying about saving the whales or the rainforests can't compete with chopping 4 cords of wood)

Cassette 18 Side 2 Why The Upper Class Can't Sleep

1. The Maverick (Kid of movie stars worries parents by dating a Mormon librarian --- he feels guilty because he doesn't drink or drug)

2. Guilt and Viable Alternatives (Rich kids ashamed of their wealth enrich Addler, the psychologist, as he bites his nails)

3. Greed & WATTS Line Hustlers (The Attorney General outlines a few of the more common scams practiced in Maine)

4. The Reformer (You can't get pure chemicals anymore --- they contain at least .002% food)

5. The Sue 'Em System (People concerned about their rights go to court to court to circumvent justice)

Topic Guide

Many of these topics do, of course, overlap. Marriage & Crime and Divorce may all be in the same story. Education and Welfare may be in the same story. But this should steer you in the right direction if you are shopping for a special topic for yourself or to surprise and delight a friend.

General topics Found on Tapes Numbered

Art 12, 12, 13, 16, 16

Bureaucrats 11, 11, 14

Business 11

Cats & Dogs 12, 17

Christmas 15

City Councils 18

City Life 13, 13

Computers 12

Con Man 18

Crime 18

Dating 16, 16, 16

Dentist 11

Divorce 12, 14

Economics 13, 14, 14

Education 11, 12, 12, 14, 14, 14, 16, 16, 17, 18, 18

Experts 15

Food 12, 13, 15, 17, 18

Hippies 16, 16, 18

Hunting 12, 16

Law 11, 11, 18, 18

Language 11, 11, 13

Librarian 11

Lobsters 15

Maine Lies 11, 11, 11, 12, 12, 13, 14

Maine Men 14

Marriage 15, 17

Newspapers 14, 15, 17, 18

Nursing 11

Old Age 15, 16, 17

Philosophy 11, 16, 18

Politically Correct 18

Psychology 13, 13, 15, 16, 18, 18

Real Estate 12

Rich People 18, 18

Science 11

Sexism 14

Smoking 13

Soap Operas 14

Speaking 15

Sports 12

Storekeeper 13, 15, 18

Welfare 13, 14, 15, 18

Writer 13

© 2012 Robert Karl Skoglund