The humble Farmer at Bowdoin College, January 31, 2003
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Below are the rants from The humble Farmer
radio show for the week of
March 18 - 24, 2007
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1. From time to time someone says to me, “Why do you refer to yourself as an old man?” Well, I thought I was an old man and I can tell you now that there is no doubt about it --- because last week I inducted myself into the Old Man Hall of Fame. It is a very simple thing to do and you might be surprised to learn that I’d been collecting Social Security for 9 years before I got around to performing the ceremony. Are you listening closely? I have been inducted into the Old Man Hall of Fame and here is how you can identify our members: last week --- while drinking a glass of prune juice --- the liquid somehow leaked out around the glass on both sides of my mouth, ran down over my chin, and put a nasty brown stain on my shirt. To confirm my membership I wore the same shirt for three more days.
+ 2. If you go to conventions, you know that your friends who run the conventions usually have some entertainment there for you. This is because they want you to come back to the convention the following year and you are more likely to come back, and even bring some of your friends, if you had a good time. And, of course, everybody knows that people who are laughing and having a good time are more likely to retain what they came to the convention to learn in the first place. A guitar player named Billy Rader showed up at a convention where I happened to be sitting in the front row. As I recall, it was announced with great fanfare that Billy Rader used to play his guitar in Nashville where they invented a certain kind of guitar playing. And, because years and years ago I had played bass at hundreds of dances and shows, I took more than a passing interest in the changes Billy Rader was playing on his guitar. After the show, I happened to be walking out backstage on another errand and I saw Billy Rader sitting at a table with his daughter, who had been standing up on stage with him making all the changes on bass. And like your typical entertainers who had just finished a show, Billy Rader and his daughter were eating the meal that had been provided them by the house. Because they had played well, I had to complement them on their show. But --- I had to tell Billy Rader that it had obviously been a long time since he had played in Nashville. He admitted that this was true, and asked how I could tell. I said, “I heard you play a diminished seventh.”
+ 3. When the elderly woman visiting my wife Marsha said, “My niece who works at MIT was mentioned in Time magazine,” I perked up my ears. You know that I respect and admire a high IQ and the education that sometimes accompanies it. Googling Time and Kanwisher brought to my attention the following. Nancy Kanwisher is the Ellen Swallow Richards Professor of Brain and Cognitive Sciences at MIT and an investigator at the McGovern Institute. While her own research shows that you can accurately predict from fMRI data whether a person is thinking about a place or a face, Kanwisher thinks that neither the technology nor our understanding of the brain is sufficiently advanced to tell when a person is lying. Hoo Hoo. I always thought the lie detector was a valuable crime fighting tool, didn’t you? I always thought that if I’d been accused of something I didn’t do I’d ask them to give me a lie detector test. I think that the fMRI thing they’re talking about here is a new and improved version of the lie detector, but from what I read in this article, science has a way to go before the results of any lie detector machine are valid. Of course, if I owned the company that sold the machines, I probably wouldn’t believe that. People who stand to make money have a way of not wanting to listen to scientists. If they’re really big and have enough money, they can even silence the top scientists in the country. Listen to this. Two teams came up with identical results when testing subjects. But the subjects were in a test situation and were responding to the numbers on playing cards and you might well ask what this has to do with the fantastic stress upon a test subject in the real world. Listen to what it says in this article. The polygraph, which measures lie-associated stress through accelerated heart rate, rapid breathing, rising blood pressure and increased sweating, is considered unreliable in scientific circles. Sociopaths who don't feel guilt and people who learn to inhibit their reactions to stress can outwit a polygraph, and negative results can often be attributed to coercion by the administrator. Nevertheless, we read that polygraphs are given to more than 40,000 people a year. A United States district judge mentioned in this article that eventually, neuroscience may have a significant impact on the legal system, but in the immediate future, it's "much more likely to cause mischief than be of real help." While as many as 90 percent of witnesses lie, the current method of cross examination as a lie-detection tool is considered effective by experts --- like Matlock --- and Perry Mason. And this new machine called fMRI could do little to ferret out what Rakoff said is the "biggest form of lying--omission. The practiced liar doesn't tell falsehoods, just omits key facts that would give a different spin. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com What do you think about this? Professor Nancy Kanwisher has already replied to this rant and she says: thanks for your column, which I think gets it just right. cheers, nancy
+ 4. You might have seen that recent television program where they talked about body language. Charlie Chaplin was a master at expressing emotion through body language. Of course, back before they had talking movies you had to read the words on the screen, like I have to do today. Or you might figure out what was happening from the expressions on their faces or what they were doing with their hands. On that television program I saw, they gave examples of how you could tell what was happening by watching body language. Tableau: Boy and girl sitting across a very small table, leaning towards each other. “Look at this,” the expert said. “These people are obviously like each other very much. Look how their faces are almost touching as they talk.” If I put my face close to yours would you think I liked you very much? Or would you realize that if I didn’t I wouldn’t hear a word that you said?
+ 5. You have taught me more than a little during the past 28 years that we’ve been having this little weekly chat. I want to thank you for listening, because you do listen. The people who have tuned in and stayed with us for a show or two and then have never tuned in again abandoned us because they were NOT listening. Because they want to be spoon fed, they would look you in the eye right now and tell you that what your buddy humble says doesn’t make sense. True, sometimes you might really have to listen hard or even think about what I said, but I try to keep it entertaining and relatively simple. For example, this morning I was thinking that I would laugh if I heard someone on the radio say: --- While studying Beowulf in graduate school many years ago, the most difficult question I ever encountered on an exam was “Sutton hoo?” --- I decided against it, because although this silly pun would elicit groans from guards in the British Museum or professors of Old English, it would probably be meaningless to PhDs in physics, math or economics and is, therefore, not a fair item to toss at you. You know that I admit to glaring and, by your way of thinking, unbelievable gaps in my knowledge about every day life. It was only a year or two ago that I first confessed to you that I had just become aware of Jimmy Buffet, and that was only because he ran his gigantic yacht past the island in Tenants Harbor where Marsha was working. Her employer, I was told, had never heard of him either, and thinking that it was Jimmy’s uncle, Warren Buffet, invited him up for a drink. Less than thirty days ago I heard someone talking about a Maxi pad and had to ask what it was. How would I have ever heard of a Maxi pad? But, as usual, I have strayed from my point which is that some people choose to not listen. I didn’t even hear a groan during the following phone call which indicates to me that the party in question was not listening. I just called a family friend 100 miles from here and said, “Hi this is Robert Skoglund. Someone very dear to me is coming to visit you this morning and I was wondering if she had arrived safely?” The other end replied, “Yes, she’s here.” And I said, “I’m glad to hear that, because my wife is with her.”
+ 6. You know that we often talk about those hideous things woman put on their feet. It is not uncommon to go to a dance or party and see, lying unused in a corner, tiny shoes that were kicked off by big feet, which brings up the question --- why? Por que es eso? ¿puede usted explicarlo a mí? A 92-year-old friend of ours has an irritation on her heel. Doctors have examined the bottom of the foot in question but the sore spot reappears. I know that when I’m putting up cow fence and spend a morning tromping around in a swampy field in boots, I’m more than likely to end up with an infected big toenail. I also know when I wear shoes that do not cramp or pinch I have no trouble with my feet. I have suggested to my friend --- several times --- that she get a nice comfortable pair of sneakers. But I am told that there is nothing wrong with the shoes she is wearing. The doctor says they are wonderful. And yet, this morning, before Marsha and our friend set out on their trip, I suggested that our friend take off her shoes and rest them on a cushion while riding in the car. Here is where I ask you for your opinion, because Marsha said, “What happens if her feet swell up in the car and she can’t get her shoes back on?” Think about that. Why can’t a woman wear a pair of sneakers, or a pair of shoes that are large enough to accommodate swollen feet --- or some nice comfortable slippers? Please explain this to me, if you can. Even the doctor, I am told, is not on my side. Have some wise old doctors learned that it is easier to tell people what they want to hear?
+ 7. If you are not a luddite, you have probably received emails that said, “Playstation to be shipped to…” Once again I come to you for help. What is this mysterious playstation thing? Why would a company that makes it want to send me one for free? Does it fit in the garage, or is it big enough to put out in the pasture as a shelter for the cows? I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and there is nothing I enjoy more than having you explain to me some new aspect of contemporary life.
+ 8. My friend Bruce sent me an email that says that the proprietor of a small market heard that some of his employees were planning to break in and steal hooch in the middle of the night. The boss waited for them until 2 AM, gun in hand. When they got in, he pointed the gun at them, made them lie down on the floor and called the cops! --- Thank you for this Bruce. I find this story interesting because many of my neighbors have waited for years for someone to break in so they could shoot them. I know people who would pay big money to know when someone was going to break into your house so they could go over there and help you shoot them. Think about this. If it takes them 45 minutes to tell about the deer they got at hunting season --- from the time they oiled their gun the night before right down to dragging the carcass around town for the next two days on the fender of a car --- think how they would enjoy telling about the time they collected bounty on one of America’s 10 most wanted. I live in a town where you do not want to break into houses. Of course, who in the world is going to think about the fact that it might be illegal to shoot someone who breaks into your house? Come to think of it, without any effort I can think of three of my friends who have shot people. Well, because you ought to get something out of this story, I think I’ll mention that --- if you live in Maine --- and if you run out of gas at 2 in the morning --- and find yourself outside your best friend’s house --- do make a lot of noise when you open the front door and do make sure he knows it’s you before you walk up the stairs to pull him out of bed.
+ 9. Thank you for writing Merrilee. Merrilee says, “for a short time this fall we had some neighbors, a lovely young married couple (she a Brit), renting a nearby house. New to Maine, the husband's full-time job in Brunswick made the commute from the far side of Waldoboro a long one. So first-time house-hunters they became, exploring communities from Portland to Edgecomb. One day their realtor took them to visit homes in Wiscasset and mentioned that sometimes there was a problem there with Red's Eats but only in the summer, meaning, of course, that the traffic snarl was worsened by folks crossing Route 1 for their wiener treat. But our neighbors heard "red zeets" and assumed they were something like black flies, a seasonal menace to be endured.”
+ 10. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, and I were looking at a DVD movie on one of those little computer disks the other night. Marsha is a charter member and fanatical supporter of our local video rental store. And I read on the screen that if you copy the movie on this DVD computer disk the FBI will batter down the doors to your home, you will be fined $250,000 and you will go to jail for five years. A good friend of mine got in a drunken brawl and blew a man away. Bam. He only served three years for killing a man but I would have to serve five if I copied a movie. Years from now, people will think of our era as that transitional period when a man’s life was no longer worth as much as a plastic disk containing a Spiderman movie.
Thank you for reading my rants. Come have supper with us at the St. George farm when it gets warm enough to travel. Your buddy humble
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860
(207) 226-7442
humble@humblefarmer.com
www.TheHumbleFarmer.com
© 2007 Robert Karl Skoglund