The humble Farmer at Bowdoin College, January 31, 2003
Thank you for visiting this page of Rants.
Below are the rants from The humble Farmer
radio show for the week of
March 25- 31, 2007
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1. You know how every once in a while you read something --- and then, all of a sudden, something that has puzzled you for years suddenly makes sense? I just read in the Maine Organic Farmer newspaper that it is illegal to place manure on fields between December 1 and March 15 of the following year. Doesn’t this pretty well explain why, when you drive past Steve Dennison’s farm around Christmas time, his cows are always wearing such a pained expression?
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2. From time to time you see things on television that are not intended to be funny but they make you laugh. I can’t even talk about this without laughing. You might have seen, on television, a program about fraud. You buy something from someone over the Internet and because you don’t get what you expected, it constitutes fraud. The example they showed on TV was a necktie with an Italian label sewed on it. And they had a camera closeup of the tie so you could read the label: Giavarni Corlioni, or whatever it was. Then, they flipped over the tie and showed that printed, inside, it said “Made in USA.” Que lastimme. Doesn’t it make you laugh to think that a patriotic American, who might even belong to the Amalgamated Clothing and Textile Workers Union, would feel cheated if he discovered that the Italian necktie he bought on line was really made in the USA? Would you feel cheated if anything you bought today was made in the USA? Surprised, perhaps, but would you feel cheated if it wasn’t made by our communist friends in China? You certainly realize that one is likely to encounter fraud in any transaction. Which of course could remind you of Crocodile Dundee’s friend in that New York City barroom party scene. You can read the label but you really don’t know what’s in any package until you unwrap it.
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3. They are clever, these spammers. You know about spammers. Tell us what you know about them. I have noticed that the spam that I get often has in the subject line something that not only interests me, but is something that pertains to emails that I have just exchanged with a friend. I just got a spam email that said “Maar iemand moet toch de tent draaiende houden: u!” I had just received an email in Dutch from Bob who is one of my radio friends. I can’t believe that this is a coincidence. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com What can you tell us about these clever spammers?
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4. I have a poem from Jeff. I’m only going to read three lines from it but you can read the rest in my Whine & Snivel newsletter or online on my web page. I like this, because for years my brother and I have used this humorous kind of --- what is it called --- analogy? I have a good friend who is so far to the right he makes Rush Limbaugh look like a communist. That kind of thing. You know what I’m talking about.
Jeff writes:
humble farmer,
the most dangerous d.j. that ever lived,
makes wolfman jack look like peter pan...
I think Jeff is funny. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and I’d like to hear from you.
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[Poem not read on air]
humble,
I hated the show tonight!
but mccarthy would be proud,
dear comrad!,
you've been silenced,
and with just one week without your guidance
i have fallen prey to the right wing agenda!
this war for democracy has no room for a dissending view,
this democracy is not about free speech!
didn't you know?
it's about falling in line with the thoughts and ideas
of our dear leader,
the decider,
the decider says what is so,
and that be it bro,
and what good fortune!
history repeats itself,
and i always wondered why kind of stupidities
created the mccarthy era,
and what kind of ignorance allowed it / him to continue,
and now we get to see it play out again
hail bush, hail republicans, hail stupidity,
humble farmer,
the most dangerous d.j. that ever lived,
makes wolfman jack look like peter pan...
good thing we can still find your old tapes on the underground black market,
although it's getting dangerous to have them,
i keep my ipod hiddenin the sole of my shoe,
if my body washes up somewhere,
make them bury me with my shoes on,
i don't want my family to know i was listening
to the old, the dangerous, humble...
america the beautiful,
has become beautiful in that sad way
that only the stupidities of war and "deciders" can bring...
good luck,
stay humble,
jeff
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5. When I told one of my computer guru friends that within only a few days, I received not dozens but hundreds of emails from my friends who listen to me on the radio, and that all but one said good things about me, he laughed. He laughed. And when I asked him what was so funny about that, he said that only a fool would send anyone an email that said something bad. Listen to what this computer guru told me. He said that if anyone sent him an email that he didn’t like, he could put that email address out there in the cyber world where a thing called a spam collecting spider could get it. And within days that poor person’s computer would be flooded with emails wanting to introduce him to dozens of attractive singles in his area. --- It would seem that I was born 50 years too soon.
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6. I think it was Peter who sent me this list of things that I’m about to read. Some of it is pure wisdom and I wish I had said it.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... Does that mean that one enjoys it?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you’ve driven in Paris.
This is one of my favorite ones. Please listen closely: Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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7. You might remember that when I was 68 or so years old, I started chugging four ounces of red wine every day. Someone on a television program I was watching said that 4 ounces of wine once a day was good for an old man’s prostate. But I broke out in hives and the only thing I could attribute it to was alcohol poisoning so I shifted over to grape juice. Even straight grape juice was a bit too strong for me, so I got in the habit of mixing it with water. Six parts water --- one part grape juice. Today, when I added the grape juice, I noticed that I shook the bottle before I poured it. You know, swirled the juice around in the bottle, and, my initial reaction was that I was witnessing one of those primordial habits that defy reason. You know, much like a dog that turns around several times before sitting down. But then I got to thinking about what could have ever given me the habit of swirling the liquid around in a bottle before pouring it out --- and it came to me. Of course, a young person would have no idea of what I’m talking about, but anyone 80 or 90 years old, knows immediately where I got the habit of swirling that bottle. The cream was on the top and I was mixing it in with the milk.
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8. Have you ever been interviewed by a reporter? Although for most of my 71 years I have been completely ignored by the mainstream press, I have apparently reached that magical age when the public thirsts after my opinions. Within the past month I have been interviewed by The Christian Science Monitor, The Bangor Daily News, The National Coalition Against Censorship, The Portland Press Herald, Maine Public Radio, Village Soup and Al Diamon at the Franklin County Daily Bulldog. Some reporters seem to be only digging for facts but others give me the distinct impression that they are trying get something going. You know what I mean. Stir something up between two parties who have already settled their problems nicely between themselves. This might not be true, but I got that impression. Let’s see if I can give you an example of what I mean. “Mr. Skoglund, if your neighbor’s pit bull bites you again, will you continue to throw rocks at him?” “Well, I had a long pleasant talk with my neighbor who is a very nice man and he says that from now on he’s going to keep his dog on a very short but stout chain.” “Yes, Mr. Skoglund, but IF he doesn’t aren’t you going to throw rocks at his dog?” “What’s with these “if” questions? You sound like my wife: ‘If you don’t do thus and so, I’m going to ….”
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9. You know people who will walk into a room, hear the last half of a conversation, and then offer an opinion. This can be a risky thing to do because they have no idea of what the conversation was really about. The same thing can happen if you only read half of a sentence in a newspaper or if half the letters fall off a sign on a billboard. While Googling “Willy Wags” a page opened and I read, “has had four sets of twins in two years and twenty eight days.” Of course your mind processes this information in a millisecond and in that millisecond I was staggered by the implications. Then I read, “After a forced rest she has now achieved 10 lambs from 5 pregnancies in less than three years. They are having a sale on Sunday Oct 14th.”
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10. My friend Dieter told me that his father survived 9 years in a prison camp in Siberia. I know that you have read One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich, and probably other accounts of prison life, so even if you have been personally spared this particular type of cultural enrichment, you know what was going on in Russian prison camps 50 years ago. You have to be incredibly tough to survive 9 years in most anybody’s prison camp, but can you think of anything that would take more out of you than a prison camp in Siberia? Years later they put the old man in a nursing home in Maine and he died the next day.
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11. When I showed up at exercise class quite out of breath the ladies asked for an explanation. I told them the truth. When I was half way out the door my beautiful young wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, pushed me up against the wall and ripped off my pants. Because I didn’t marry Marsha until I was 54, I have no idea why a woman might rip the pants off her 19 year old husband. But I do know that when a woman rips the pants off her 71-year-old husband, it is because they need to go in the wash.
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Not read: Listened to your show- you are rightly compared with Keillor (personal hero)- do you ever do interviews or book segments? I'd love to get Greg on your show for a couple of minutes...either way great stuff, not enough of people like you left on the radio. Finest- Zach Greg Palast Office
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12. Winky in boat story.
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13. I have here a letter from Jane who says, in the subject line of her email: Shameless Begging Solicited. Yes, says Jane, please add me to your Friday night e-mail so I can enjoy your stories, play lists, and shameless begging. No one has begged me for anything in quite some time and it might do me a world of good.
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Thank you for reading my rants. Come have supper with us at the St. George farm when it gets warm enough to travel. Your buddy humble
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860
(207) 226-7442
humble@humblefarmer.com
www.TheHumbleFarmer.com
© 2007 Robert Karl Skoglund