The humble Farmer at Bowdoin College, January 31, 2003
Thank you for visiting this page of Rants.
Below are the rants from The humble Farmer
radio show for the week of
April 15 - 22, 2007
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April 15, 2007 Rants
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1. My computer guru friend is Richard Bird. When I send him an email, I often write to Mr. Bird. This morning I realized that if his last name were Malenowzwski, I would refer to him as Richard.
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2. You might have heard that my wife and I spent the month of March in Fort Myers, Florida. I would not wish Fort Myers in March on anyone and I do not plan to do it again, because the smoke from all the fires was so bad that I couldn’t even go outside to ride my bicycle. Unless you go down on the keys, The Sunshine State is one of the greatest misnomers ever perpetuated by a chamber of commerce. The TV anchors don’t say anything about the smoke from all the fires in Florida, probably because it would be bad for the tourist business. People who live in Fort Myers claim they don’t even notice the smoke. Like a long-suffering woman who lives with a man who never bathes, after a while you give up and pretend you don’t notice.
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3. Yes, I started to tell you about spending the month of March in Fort Myers. I was torn about going back home to Maine. I was drinking cough syrup, eating cough drops, the back of my nose was burning, I slept in a room with an air purifier and still I coughed all day. On the other hand, even though I knew I was going do die if I didn’t get out of the smoke from all the fires, it was cold in Maine and when I got home I was going to have to buy over $500 worth of heating oil. We were living rent-free in Fort Myers with Doris, a wonderful 92-year-old woman from Nova Scotia, so it was even better than being with family. Doris and I could disown each other at the first hint of dissent or dissatisfaction but you’re stuck with your family.
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4. Towards the end of March, it can be 86 degrees in Fort Myers, Florida. This is very hot for some people. I am talking about the kind of people who throw the blankets off the bed and sleep that way all night, sweating, in a room that is 58 degrees. I am talking in particular about my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman. You have heard me say that on cold days when my hands are like ice cakes, I can put my hands down the back of my wife’s shirt and put those ice cold hands on her back, which is covered with sweat. And I will say, “Ah, that feels good.” And she will say, “Ah, that feels good.” You see, we are compatible.
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5. Along towards the end of March when it is 86 degrees in Fort Myers, Florida, it is too hot for people who don’t wear any kind of hat while driving a boat in the middle of Tenants Harbor in February. And from these people you are very likely to hear a wail and a cry, “I want to go home. It is too hot. I can’t sleep nights. It’s too hot. I want to go home.” But when you look at your computer, you learn that it will be snowing in Maine for the next few days and it would be much better to cough in the Florida smoke for an extra week rather than to unload the car in a Maine blizzard. But the cry persists, “I want to go home. It’s too hot.” We are not talking here about something that can be resolved by logic or reason or mathematical symbols on a piece of paper. People who can’t stand the heat have an argument that transcends argument so we put the roof rack on the Rav 4, loaded the car to the gunnels, and headed north for Maine.
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6. Was I telling you about driving from Florida to Maine? My wife Marsha couldn’t understand why we should have waited another week before making the trip. 495 is the road between Worcester and Portsmouth. Because there are Massachusetts drivers out there who zip and weave between cars at high speeds one of them zipped sideways on the slush covered road and we sat on 495 for 2 hours waiting for the police and wrecking crew to clean up the mess. Marsha said she didn’t mind waiting because she was glad to go home. Because of the hold up, it was dark and snowing hard by the time we got to the Maine Turnpike where we followed two snowplows for many many miles. Even while creeping behind two snowplows in a blizzard, Marsha still wouldn’t admit that this was not a good time to come home.
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7. It would have been foolish to try to drive home to St. George in a snowstorm so we spent the night in Falmouth where another foot of snow fell on her car and on the roads. Most of the morning was spent playing with a grandchild, but by the time we left near noon the roads were still a mess. You could see huge pine branches that had broken off trees and dropped by the side of the road. As we crept along in the salt generated slush, my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, stuck to her guns. She was glad that we were home. But, and now are you listening? When we got to Wiscasset, she said, “Would you mind stopping at that gas station? There is something urgent that needs attention.” So I pulled up to the door of the gas station where a man, possibly in the same situation as my wife, was wistfully looking at the Closed sign on the gas station door. The storm had taken out the power and unless my wife wanted to wade out into the forest primeval through over a foot of snow I didn’t have any answers. 25 minutes later --- by the time we got to Waldoboro --- I could tell by the pained expression on my wife’s face --- that she finally understood --- why it was too early to come back to Maine.
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8. If you have a motel or Bed & Breakfast you might have received emails that say something like this: Greetings, How are you this morning? Do get back to me if you have accomodation for 5 couples coming for their honey moon at your property, I would like you to get back to me with the following required details.
1. The availability of the dates
2. The Daily cost for the required dates
3. The total cost for the lenght of their stay of the 5 couples.
4. Do you accept credit card payment(visa card).
The arrival date for the couples will be 10th june and they will leave on 20th june, Their stay for their honeymoon will last for 10 days.
Do get back to me with the requirements as stated above.
KindestRegards
Engr Kane Kelvin
One reads on line how this popular scam works. If you tell them to send $500, they send $1,000 on a worthless credit card. They then discover their mistake and ask you to send them the $500 difference back on your valid credit card. --- I wrote back to these fellows that a honeymoon for 5 couples sounded like a cult wedding so I’d just as soon pass on this one.
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9. Genes or environment? For years I have been a genetic man. You know that there are families that contain an inordinate number of mentally deficient, alcoholic, self-destructive individuals. Some of them kill people. On the other hand, there are people who seem predisposed to follow a straight and narrow path. Genes, genes, genes, I have maintained for many years. But one is never too old to learn. One is never too old to suddenly, in a split second of revelation --- a blinding flash of light, as it were --- to comprehend the other side of the genes-environment coin. This morning, when I opened the door to my library, on my right was an air compressor, a stove, a computer, a box of books and assorted clutter. On my left were boxes of books, my mother’s piano, my bass fiddle, a child’s school desk, a platform rocker and assorted clutter. Perhaps you have entered and left old farmhouses through a shed or similar entry rooms, crowded with musty horse collars and ancient paint cans. I am only one of many Maine people who can only enter or leave the house by following a straight and narrow path.
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10. I got a $10 credit coupon from Staples. But when I got around to cash it in I noticed that I had kept it too long. There was an expiration date on the bottom. Has this ever happened to you? When you have refund or rebate coupons handed to you --- and I mean handed to you by the store manager. I’m not talking about rebate coupons that arrive in the mail. --- When you have refund coupons handed to you by the store manager, do you wish that he would kindly point out that there is an expiration date printed on the bottom and that you should take a good look at it? I’m sure the very pleasant and accommodating manager at Staples would have done this if he thought of it. You will recall that even our friend with the Beretta 418 was put on notice after winning a bundle of rupees from Dr. Evil: “Spend the money quickly, Mr. Bond.”
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11. I was a single man between the ages of 34 and 54. For 20 years, those years when most men are building equity while enjoying a happy and comfortable hearth and home, life for me was a constant daily struggle --- to keep from becoming involved in a meaningful relationship. But for 17 or so years now, my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has been a part of my existence and I would not have it any other way. The other day I got to thinking how impossibly difficult it would be, starting over out there again, all alone in the hard, cold world. In case you haven't been paying attention lately, nowadays most of the available nice looking young girls have children who are 35 years old.
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12. People are not as tough as they used to be. Several bingo meetings were cancelled because of the April blizzard as was the meeting of the Rumford Snowshoe Club.
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Thank you for reading my rants. Come have supper with us at the St. George farm when it gets warm enough to travel. Your buddy humble
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860
(207) 226-7442
humble@humblefarmer.com
www.TheHumbleFarmer.com
© 2007 Robert Karl Skoglund