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Rants Week of June 3, 2007

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1. Who sends out all these junk emails? Here’s one that says, “Revive your financial burdens.” I don’t know if my financial burdens are something I want revived.

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2. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it, but right there on television was a famous TV anchor riding in a car with a Republican presidential candidate and neither one of them was wearing a seatbelt. Less than 30 days before, the same TV anchor man had shown us pictures of a crippled up governor of New Jersey because he didn’t believe in the efficacy of seat belts. Is it true that if you are rich --- or famous --- or are a very good driver you transcend the need to wear a seatbelt? You have heard me say that I was once hit broadside by a Belfast fire engine that ran a stop sign on the way back to the station after a fire and I know what it feels like to flip end for end three and a half times in an automobile. Even back in 1968 I was wearing a seatbelt with a shoulder harness, so I walked away from the wreck and played for a dance in Camden a couple of hours later. Anyway, right after showing this clip, the TV anchor man apologized for not wearing his seatbelt and said it was dumb. Do you think an apology was necessary? How many people do you suppose really care if a Republican candidate for the presidency wears a seatbelt?

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3. When you are little you hear a lot of things that don’t make sense. I can remember singing about Sleeping Heavenly Peas --- that’s p e a s. But perhaps when you are little things don’t have to make sense. Today, when I looked in the Encyclopedia Britannica, I stumbled on a page that explained something I heard when I was little. My parents must have had this song on a record. R.P.Weston and Bert Lee, 1934
In the Tower of London, large as life,
The ghost of Ann Boleyn walks, they declare.
Poor Ann Boleyn was once King Henry's wife -
Until he made the Headsman bob her hair!
Ah yes! he did her wrong long years ago
And she comes up at night to tell him so.
With her head tucked underneath her arm
She walks the Bloody Tower!
With her head tucked underneath her arm
At the Midnight hour -
She comes to haunt King Henry, she means giving him 'what for',
Gad Zooks, she's going to tell him off for having spilt her gore.
And just in case the Headsman wants to give her an encore
She has her head tucked underneath her arm!
With her head tucked underneath her arm
She walks the Bloody Tower!
With her head tucked underneath her arm
At the Midnight hour.
Along the draughty corridors for miles and miles she goes,
She often catches cold, poor thing, it's cold there when it blows,
And it's awfully awkward for the Queen to have to blow her nose
With her head tucked underneath her arm!
Sometimes gay King Henry gives a spread
For all his pals and gals - a ghostly crew.
The headsman carves the joint and cuts the bread,
Then in comes Ann Boleyn to 'queer' the 'do';
She holds her head up with a wild war whoop,
And Henry cries 'Don't drop it in the soup!'
With her head tucked underneath her arm
She walks the Bloody Tower!
With her head tucked underneath her arm
At the Midnight hour.
The sentries think that it's a football that she carries in,
And when they've had a few they shout 'Is Ars'nal going to win?'
They think [that it’s Red Grange] it's Alec James, instead of poor old Ann Boleyn
With her head tucked underneath her arm!
With her head tucked underneath her arm
She walks the Bloody Tower!
With her head tucked underneath her arm
At the Midnight hour.
One night she caught King Henry, he was in the Canteen Bar.
Said he 'Are you Jane Seymour, Ann Boleyn or Cath'rine Parr?
For how the sweet san fairy ann do I know who you are
With your head tucked underneath your arm!'
I didn’t know who Red Grange was until today when I chanced to see his picture in the encyclopedia under “football.” In the picture Red Grange has a football underneath his arm, just like Ann Boleyn. It took me over 60 years to figure out what that song was about. Like Henry Adams, I’m still desperately searching for education.

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4. And then, three or four pages past Red Grange in the encyclopedia, I read about Joseph Benson Foraker, U. S. political leader. Newspaper charges in 1908 that he had improperly received money from the Standard Oil Company led to his retirement from politics. Wow. Haven’t things changed since 1908?

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5. Today I noticed that at least two candidates for the presidency wear earrings. For some time now insecure men who have wanted to project a rough-tough pirate image have been wearing earrings. How would you feel if the next president of the United States were to wear earrings? Has the effeminate image projected by earrings stopped you from watching basketball games?

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6. Here’s interesting news. It might even be construed as good news. We read that the military is going to redefine success in Iraq.

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7. Were you surprised to see Miss USA fall down at the beauty pageant? If you didn’t see her drop, you don’t own a TV, because it was played over and over and over. We read that the tumble came after she'd taken only eight steps in her high heeled shoes. I’ve asked you about this before and I’m going to ask you again. Wouldn’t any reasonable person who likes women suggest that there is no social occasion where a woman wouldn’t look better and feel better in a pair of sneakers? And while I’m critiquing fashion, there is a woman on Channel 6 who does the morning news who looked very cute and 20 years younger until she took off her glasses.

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8. From time to time my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, tries to grab extra credit by preparing one of my favorite gourmet meals. So she opens a can of B&M beans and warms it up in the company of two hot dogs. But --- my wife considers me to be no more than a disposal unit for nutrients. She’ll look at whatever she has prepared for a meal and say, “You can eat this little bit that’s left.” You see, it has nothing to do with what my body can comfortably accommodate. It has to do with disposing of the food that is left. Is there someone in your home who says the same thing to you? -- Years ago I had an animal that rooted around in a pen out back and that animal would eat anything that was left over. The next time someone tries to scrape a little extra food on your plate, don’t bother to ask her what she thinks you are. You already know.

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9. We have solved a problem in our house. It took me 19 years to work it out, but I finally did it. Ever since I met my wife Marsha, she has heaped up my plate with food and either handed it to me or wrapped some plastic around it and put it in the refrigerator for me to warm up later. Many, many times I have taken a plate out of the refrigerator and looked at it --- and simply put it back on the shelf. Just the thought of eating all that food was too much for me. Georgie Pease, who used to catch lobsters out of Martinsville, was very smart. Georgie Pease only took a small portion on his plate. He said --- words to the effect --- that a heaping plate of food was an overwhelming project that could only be overcome with anxiety, pain and suffering. But if he only took a little bit he could go back for a second or even a third helping. I’m the same. I only want a tiny bit of food on my plate. Then I can go back for a tiny bit of seconds or even a tiny bit of thirds. Yes, I started to tell you about finally getting something together with my wife. When she hollers from the pantry that she is not going to put food on my plate because she is afraid she’ll give me too much, I tell her to give me one-third of what she thinks I would like and that would be just right.

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10. One of my distant cousins has gone to Dubai. I looked it up in the Encyclopedia Britannica but Dubai wasn’t there. At least I couldn’t find it. And I got to thinking that Dubai must have been called something else when the encyclopedia was printed. You know that many African countries don’t have the same names they had when I was reading a grade school geography book. My brother, who taught 8th grade for years, said he once had a student who was so fast that she could rattle off the names of the countries in Africa before they changed. They are always changing the names of countries in Africa. It is the same old country, it still has the same old social, political and economic structure, but they give it a new name. --- When you think of it, that could be better than living in a country where you change the social, political and economic structure and keep the same old name.

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11. When you creep up behind your wife and kiss her on the back of the neck, does she say, “Go away. That feels like little black flies?” You’ve never seen that happen to Clark Gable in the movies. If you have any suggestions, I’m humble@humblefarmer.com

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Brad Terry will play a special anniversary recording session /concert at the Maine Sound Stage in Brunswick Maine on his birthday, June 9 2007. This will feature pianist Fred Fischer with whom Brad played his first gig ever! Brad's Birthday concert will be the first in a septuagenarian series, hopefully continuing for the next 12 -18 months. On the list of future collaborators are Joachim, Mateusz, Bob Winter, Triology & notably Roger Kellaway with Steve Swallow. Saturday June 9th at 7:30 p.m. Maine Sound Stage, Ft. Andross, Maine St., Brunswick $14 at the door $10 Students & Seniors