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The rants below have not been corrected. They are but a first rough draft of what I actually said.

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1. One of the unfortunate things about being as numb as my friend Greensleeves, is that you take everything at face value. You believe everything you read. Somebody gave Greensleeves a book of Greek philosophy, and Greensleeves read about Simonides, and Aristophanes, Uripades and Socrates. And he took what he read about Socrates right to heart. One day I went in to see Greensleeves and I said, “Do you know what I just heard about one of your friends?" And Greensleeves thought about how Socrates would handle someone who came in to gossip, and he said, “Before you tell me anything I'd like to know if you are absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true." And I said, "No, I just heard about it.” And Greensleeves said, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Is what you want to tell me about my friend something good?" And I said, "No.” And Greensleeves said, “So you want to tell me something bad about him, but you don’t even know if it's true. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" And I had to admit that it really wasn’t. And Greensleeves said, “If what you want to tell me might not be true, and it’s not good and it’s not useful, why tell it to me at all?" Because he was famous for this type of behavior, Socrates was considered a great philosopher. The story also explains why Greensleeves never found out that his wife was spending a lot of time with his best friend.

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2. Don’t you admire Miss Marple’s knowledge of human nature? Miss Marple says that human nature is pretty much the same everywhere. History will continue to repeat itself because people don’t read history. Miss Marple was able to solve crimes, because she knew her history. Please listen closely. Donald Trump sent me a personal invitation to attend an all day seminar in Portland which will teach me how to create wealth the Trump way. You might remember that a week or so ago I asked you to explain this to me. What’s the catch? It is free. Are we supposed to buy a book, or pay to attend another course the next week? Donald Trump didn’t rent that hotel room in Portland just to make new friends. I hope I’m wrong, but Donald Trump probably didn’t get rich by providing fat health care packages for his employees. I’m going down to take that course in Portland and when I have finished I’ll tell you what happened.

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3. I’m going to attend a seminar in Portland that has been advertised to teach me how to Create Wealth the Trump Way. You know that I’m a student of human nature and I know I’m going to learn something before the sun goes down that Thursday. I’m 71 years old and I can’t believe that Donald Trump will teach me how to get rich. I can believe, however, that Donald Trump’s salesman will try to sell me something. If you know anything about human nature, you know that I’m playing with fire. There is no question in my mind but what the Trump people have been able to hire the top psychologists in the world. They know exactly what to say and what to do to get people to reach for their checkbooks. I’m going to fool Donald Trump. I’m going to leave my checkbook home.

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4. We are talking about the Trump seminar that will teach one and all to create wealth the Trump way. Admission is free, so what’s the catch? Am I taking a risk in attending a lecture by a master salesman? Before you decide, here is a quote you will remember from Ben Franklin who went to hear a preacher. Ben writes, “I happened soon after to attend one of his sermons, in the course of which I perceived he intended to finish with a collection, and I silently resolved he should get nothing from me, I had in my pocket a handful of copper money, three or four silver dollars, and five pistoles in gold. As he proceeded I began to soften, and concluded to give the coppers. Another stroke of his oratory made me asham'd of that, and determin'd me to give the silver; and he finish'd so admirably, that I empty'd my pocket wholly into the collector's dish, gold and all.”

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5. Ben Franklin attended a sermon that was so good he emptied his pockets into the collector’s dish. If anyone as smart as Ben Franklin could be talked out a pocket full of gold coins, there is a danger that the folks running the Trump seminar could get something out of me. And, then even worse, Ben writes, “At this sermon there was also one of our club, who, being of my sentiments respecting the building in Georgia, and suspecting a collection might be intended, had, by precaution, emptied his pockets before he came from home. Towards the conclusion of the discourse, however, he felt a strong desire to give, and apply'd to a neighbour, who stood near him, to borrow some money for the purpose. The application was unfortunately [made] to perhaps the only man in the company who had the firmness not to be affected by the preacher. His answer was, "At any other time, Friend Hopkinson, I would lend to thee freely; but not now, for thee seems to be out of thy right senses."

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6. You probably were probably also reminded of Mark Twain when I reminded you of that story about Ben Franklin who went into the church resolved not to put any money into the collection. But by the time the minister stopped talking Franklin gave them everything he had. This is what Mark Twain had to say about that, “If I were I remember on that occasion in the Hartford church the collection was being taken up. The appeal had so stirred me that I could hardly wait for the hat or plate to come my way. I had four hundred dollars in my pocket, and I was anxious to drop it in the plate and wanted to borrow more. But the plate was so long in coming my way that the fever-heat of beneficence was going down lower and lower--going down at the rate of a hundred dollars a minute. The plate was passed too late. When it finally came to me, my enthusiasm had gone down so much that I kept my four hundred dollars--and stole a dime from the plate.”

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7. Salesmen make more money than schoolteachers. I’m talking about good salesmen --- and good schoolteachers. This is because selling people things they don’t need like bigger consolidated schools is more important in our present society than educating your children. If you ask school administrators what they are doing to help children learn, they will tell you that they are creating longer and better tests. They are going to build bigger and newer schools. This is because when you are in a position to push for bigger and newer schools, the people who are going to get rich building them are going to see that you are amply rewarded. Only when teachers start making huge monetary contributions to election campaigns, will society see the value in paying teachers as much as United States Senators. I’m going to that Trump seminar so I’ve got salesmen on my mind. I’m somewhat scared, because I know that a good salesman could talk me into doing some irrational thing that I don’t want to do.

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8. We’ve talked about Miss Marple and Ben Franklin and Mark Twain on this program. They all came to mind when I told you I was going to that Trump seminar in Portland that will teach me how to create wealth the Trump way. I am told that admission is free. So my question to you is, “What in the world are they going to get out of me and how are they going to do it?” You know as well as I do that a good salesman can talk you into doing something that you don’t want to do. So I have good reason to be scared when I go down to Portland on Thursday to hear what they’re going to say. They have ways of presenting their sales pitch to you in such an eloquent and reasonable manner that your thinking gets muddied. Don’t you find it interesting that there is such a difference between the approaches used by your wife and the technique used by a sales man? My wife doesn’t have to be eloquent or reasonable. She just says, “I want that clutter on your desk cleaned up today.”

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9. Yes, I’m going to that Trump seminar in Portland even though I’m scared they might sell me whatever it is they have to sell. But. I’m like you in that I have an advantage over many of the people who I have reason to suspect will be there. I’m 71 years old, and you shouldn’t be surprised if I’ve lived through more history than many of them have read. Because if you’ve read history, you can avoid making the foolish mistakes made by people who either haven’t read history or are simply intoxicated by the obscene amount of money they are making by ignoring it. Anyway, I’ll bet that now that you’ve had time to think about it, you know what I’m going to get around being taken in by that sales pitch that I’m pretty sure I’m going to hear in Portland.

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10. If you’re ready, I’m going to confirm your suspicions about how I’m going to get out of spending any money at that Trump meeting in Portland that is going to teach me how to Create Wealth the Trump Way. Listen closely. Years ago a man was sailing home. As I recall his last name was Grant. Grant had been away from home for along time but he remembered that before he got home his boat was going to have to pass a dangerous island. --- Because on that island there lived some strange sea creatures who took the form of beautiful women. But even more beautiful were their singing voices. I know you’ve heard this story about Grant before and you will recall that these women with the golden throats were not very nice. They sang the most wonderful songs, the most irresistible songs, and these songs lured sailors in close to the shore near their island where their ships would get tangled up in potwarp. But Grant had read his history and he knew how to get by that island without being lured in there to get all tangled up in warp. Here’s a bad situation --- if he were to pull a lobster trap to untangle it from his prop he’d stand a chance of getting nailed by a warden. Even worse, the lobsterman who owned the trap might shoot up his boat with a 30 oh 6.

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11. Yes, here’s Grant all set to go by that island where all the women are singing, trying to get him to come in close to shore where he’ll get tangled in potwarp. And just before they came into range, he says to his crew, “Tie me to the mast with six fathom of 2,000 pound test nylon line. And don’t untie me until we get past that island no matter how much I beg you to let me go. As for you, put on these ear protectors that we stole at that firing range so you won’t hear anything.” I want to go to that Trump seminar. I know I’ll get enough material there for at least three radio programs. But now I need two friends who will go with me, tie me to a chair, and sit there wearing ear protectors until it is time to go home. If you’d like to give the matter some serious consideration, I’m humble@humblefarmer.com

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12. It is no secret that I recently earned two paragraphs in the Los Angeles Times. The story was about Andy Wyeth in general and Andy’s granddaughter, Victoria in particular. I only got mentioned because I am Wyeth cultist who has written more than a few words about the Wyeths over the past 30 years. I also gave Paul Lieberman, who wrote the article, a ride around St. George to meet some of the people Andy has painted, and that will earn a native more than a few brownie points right there. Anyway. I gave Paul a couple of CDs to play on his drive back to New York. The next day I got this letter from him that said, “ …so we put one of those CDs on in the car as we were driving home -- the one where you speak of your wife as an example of what they today call "type A" -- and we were enjoying it just fine, except that we kept getting distracted…by our dog. You see, Abbey, our 13-year-old Corgi, kept trying to escape from the back seat, where she normally does just fine on the road. In fact, it got dangerous there, and quickly, when she kept trying to leap into the front with us. Heidi figured she might have to do "her business," so we stopped right by the side of the freeway, the 95, with the traffic whizzing by. But Abbey just wanted to run off, like she was possessed. Then we got her back in, drove on…and it happened again. We dutifully pulled off at the next rest stop to let her out again, then analyzed the situation: WHAT was different? The answer: the CD. We ejected it and…Abbey was fine. She sprawled back there like usual, watching us, watching the scenery, snoozing. Like normal. So…either: A) YOURS IS THE VOICE OF THE DEVIL or B) You got something high-pitched on that CD. I suggest you try an experiment…just not with a pit bull or other breed prone to biting. If that CD indeed is the equivalent of a dog whistle, put on the warning label. If not…see option A above.”Thank you, Paul for writing, and thank you for listening. If you’d like to play one of my CDs for your dog, just so we can determine if Paul’s dog is crazy, send your mailing address to me at humble@humblefarmer.com Thank you for listening.

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