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This is a rough draft of my Rants for the week of August 12, 2007

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1. When David asked me if we stayed here in Maine through the winter, I told him that we couldn’t. There is no way that Marsha could now walk on ice or through snow. David said that he was up in Quebec a while back and asked a few natives what winters were like in Quebec. David said that he couldn’t find anyone who knew.

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2. If I couldn’t say another good thing about my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, I would have to say that she is a very good cook. Of course, I’ve been spoiled, and because I have refined my palate to the point where it would be the envy of that famous French chef, Pierre Vomi, nothing gets by me. This morning, after the first bite of my blueberry pancake, I said that the pancake I was eating was different from the ones I’d had yesterday. She admitted that this was true. The dry and tasteless pancake I was eating was a famous name brand but the ones I’d enjoyed in the past were some generic store brand. She had run out of the cheap, generic mix and was trying to get rid of the box of famous name brand. I suggested that she throw it away. Would one not have to suspect that the tasteless name brand was chock full of whole grain goodness? Would one not also suspect that the generic pancakes that I like because they taste so good are 68 percent sugar?

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3. Someone mentioned that The humble Farmer Bed & Breakfast is not really a suitable name for a bed and breakfast. I was told that by changing the name of my bed and breakfast I could insert a bit of subliminal appeal. So I went on line and noticed that animal names seem to be popular. What do you think of this: The Wounded Faun? Or The Limping Pheasant? I’m humble@humblefarmer.com At present I’m wide open for suggestions and look forward to hearing from you.

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4. Perhaps Marsha and I have been married too long. I have been in the same room with people who have been married over 60 years, and it has been my observation that they shout at each other. To be fair, very often one does not hear as well at 85 as one did at 20 and shouting becomes a way of life. You have heard me say that I do not shout at Marsha. When I need to summon her to take an incoming phone call, I clap my hands three times. A friend says he tried this, but had to quit because his lights went out. But my topic today is the inability to get an answer from a woman who is your wife. Even a simple question like, “Do you want me to open the window?” never elicits a yes or no answer. After nearly 20 years of marriage, a question like “Do you want me to open the window?” is fraught with complicated sociological and linguistic ramifications. One learns to quantify one’s question. “Do you want me to open the window more than 11 ¼ inches but less than 12 ½ inches?” Or, “Should you want me to open the window, how far would you like to have me open it?” Weathered husbands could also tell greenhorns that they shouldn’t jump to do whatever it is their wife wants done. If she thinks about it for 15 to 20 seconds, she will change her mind and say that she wants you to do just the opposite of what she told you to do before. You can reach me at humble@humblefarmer.com This is obviously more than a deep subject --- to me it looks like a bottomless pit.

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5. If you run a bed and breakfast you will discover that everyone who visits becomes a new friend. Dr. Karen was out there in the executive suite this week. And because Heather had left her shoes the day before and Walt had left his shirt and pants before that, I said to Dr. Karen, “Please take everything you brought here back home with you.” And the learned professor said, “If I left anything feed it, eat it or throw it away.”

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6. Some people believe that the prisoners in the state prison system should help contribute to their own support by raising their own veggies, eggs, milk and meat. I understand from my doctor that my health would improve if I spent two hours every day doing hard work in my garden. So instead of lifting weights, prisoners would be building their bodies by hoeing potatoes. As I recall they had such a system in Maine when I was a kid but for some reason they don’t do that any more. What do you think about that? I think there should be a law that says that every fifty minutes, old men sitting in front of computer screens will get a strong shock in the seat of their pants unless they get up and walk for 10 minutes. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com What do you think?

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7. As you know, I am interested in most anything that has to do with the manipulation of human beings and because I have talked with you about this very topic on the radio for almost 30 years, some people consider me to be a very dangerous person. You will remember that I recently attended a Trump seminar in Portland which promised to teach me to generate wealth the Trump way. Of course, because I’m a public speaker I went there to learn what I could from the big boys about getting people in an audience to do what you want them to do. I mentioned to you that I went there to discover if they if they would employ the techniques used by Elmer Gantry or Adolf Hitler or Billy Graham or Jay Van Andel. My very intelligent friend Stephen heard or read what I had to say, and replied thus: Dear humble, “Interesting. I experienced some of these techniques first-hand when I went through USAF basic training in 1970. The TIs were trained in the use of the "command voice", which was a way of saying few words, while imparting a lot of meaning, delivered at a kind of voice of God volume and timbre. I have read some speculation that things like drums, rhythmic chants, marching, and even watching TV (the somewhat subliminal 60Hz flicker) all use frequencies that synchronize with some brain frequency, and that in crowds, there is a kind of mass synchronization that amplifies the effect. "Triumph of the Will" is an absolute master class in those techniques. In repackaged and sanitized form, the same techniques are used at most mass rallies today. By the way, if you want, I have some recordings of various chants, done by people who truly believe in them - Hare Krishna (long version), a Tibetan Buddhist chant, and a few others. The "Om" coming from those Buddhist monks sounds like it indeed comes from the depths of an unknowable Creation. The Hare Krishna is interesting because it is so long. Although the basic chant is repeated over and over, there are a number of small but noticeable inflections as the chant continues. Boredom gives way to engagement, as you try to anticipate the phrasing of the next verse. Ravel's famous "Bolero" uses much the same technique. So, when the down-home just-folks master of ceremonies in some American Legion hall or school auditorium tells you to clap your hands and stamp your feet, he's not being friendly; he's trying to synchronize the audience to his beat, and eventually, to his will. Hope all is well with you. S” I’m still here, Steven. Thank you for writing. I have ordered Triumph of the Will and plan to watch it this week. When you Google Triumph of the Will you will read that it is a master class on propaganda.

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8. And now, this bit of foolishness only because I don’t know how to put a better filter on my email: Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful girl. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddy at the club finally corners him and asks, "Bob, how did you get such a good looking young wife?" Bob says, "I lied about my age. --- I told her I was 90."

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9. The other day I saw a reference to chaos theory. I had no idea what chaos theory was so I Googled chaos theory. This is what it said. “ In mathematics and physics, chaos theory describes the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under specific conditions exhibit dynamics that are sensitive to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random, because of an exponential growth of errors in the initial conditions. This happens even though these systems are deterministic in the sense that their future dynamics are well defined by their initial conditions, and there are no random elements involved. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos.” End of quote. I still have no idea of what chaos theory is, but wouldn’t you agree that this quote contributes to the problem?

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10. From time to time we get emails from good friends who are annoyed that prisoners don’t have to suffer a little bit more while they are serving time. On the other hand, there are people who subscribe to the teachings of Christ. These Christians, as they are called, believe that the injured party --- society --- should turn the other cheek --- that we should help unfortunates in need. --- Provide them with jobs or education or medication or whatever it takes to keep them out of jail. Of course, each case is as unique as the person who perpetuated the crime. One law or one sentence doesn’t fit all. I have seen my friends go to jail for getting drunk and doing bad things that they would never have been capable of had they been sober. But no one believes that outlawing alcohol and increasing the penalty for possessing it would eliminate the problem. The only good things that came out a law making alcohol illegal was an Elliot Ness movie and a learning experience that is presently being ignored. Everyone knows that mental illness could be the number one cause of our overcrowded prisons. Many of these tortured souls could be helped with medication. But their family members have told me that the mentally ill wife, husband or brother often refuses to take the medication that would stabilize them --- and it is illegal to sneak it into their orange juice. That’s what they told me, anyway. Were people allowed to force mind altering drugs on their sick friends and relatives, one fears that an unscrupulous government would someday find it advantageous to dope up and thereby silence anyone who tried to tell the truth. Less from a mile from my home there is a house where a mentally ill man was kept chained in a room until he died. Today, in our enlightened age, this man would be in prison. I don’t have the answer. But if you’d like to comment, I’m humble@humblefarmer.com

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11. You remember that I went down to Portland where I attended that Trump seminar on how to get rich. I didn’t go there to find out how to get rich. I went just to see what Trump is up to so I can talk about it on this program. I strongly suspected that his sales rep was going to try to talk me into signing up for something that will put my money in the Donald’s pocket, and I was right. Before I went, I asked Robert in Bath to go with me so he could tie me to my chair to keep me from doing anything foolish. --- Like reaching for my wallet. Here’s Robert’s reply: “Dear humble, Yes, I assumed that you were not going any place to get rich. I asked my dad if he received a Trump Camp invitation and he said, "no." He told me to stay home, or read a book. So I am reading "Under the Tuscan Sun" by Frances Mayes. It's all about Real Estate in Italy. Marsha would understand. Maybe our names were "sold" to the Trump Camp. Marketers do that these days. I have no idea what their pitch will be once they get people hooked. [What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, baby.] Thank you, Robert in Bath.

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12. You have heard me say that I know nothing about sports. But that was years ago. Nowadays there is so much about sports on TV that I could probably stand up before a crowd and give a comprehensive lecture on the topic. This is the way I’d start my talk on sports: “To be a star athlete who earns millions of dollars every year, it takes strength. To be a star athlete who earns millions of dollars every year, it takes skill. To be a star athlete who earns millions of dollars every year it takes determination. To be a star athlete who earns millions of dollars every year it takes steroids.”

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