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This is a rough draft of my Rants for the week of September 30, 2007

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1. You can learn new and interesting things if you travel on an airplane. While reading the little catalogue that was in the seat pocket ahead of me, I learned that I can buy a little electronic key that I can stick on the bottom of my wife’s car. It will tell me where she has been and who she’s been seeing. But I was more impressed by a cat’s litter box that was designed to look like the base to a potted plant. “Margaret, you have the nicest sweet williams I’ve ever seen. The blossoms are simply lovely, but why do they smell like cat do-do?”

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2. When I told my friend Sandra that I was using the Quicken program to keep track of my expenses, she said she stopped using hers. Sandra said that there is a little store up the road where she used to stop every day for coffee or bread or gas and when she saw how much she was spending there, she stopped writing it into Quicken. Bothered her to see how much she was spending. And the day after Sandra told me that, I saw on TV that some young men were unable to account for $3,000 a year every year that they piddled away on trivia. Of course I don’t buy soda or candy bars or any of that kind of thing in stores. But I do spend a frightening amount on toner and paper for my printer. Do you think that writing down every cent you spent would keep you from making those small unnecessary daily purchases for coffee and a donut? I’m humble@humblefarmer.com

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3. While I was washing the dishes the other night I got thinking about one of the stories John Parker told me years ago and it made me laugh. John Parker always had stories that made me laugh. I googled it, and sure enough, here is the Google version: One time when Ghandi was visiting the U.S. there was a heckler in the crowd making fun of him...... the Secret Service asked the President what they should do about it...... so the President told `em, "Weigh down upon the swami ribber."

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4. This morning my reading of the Encyclopedia Britannica brought me to magnetism. In 1269 Petrus Peregrinus de Maricourt believed that the magnet derived its power from the sky. Isn’t it interesting, that back before magnetism was explained mathematically, even the most learned people of the age thought that the magnet got its power from some mysterious, unknown place in the sky?

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5. Someone up at the Common Ground Fair told me that they serve Mort Mather’s asparagus in their restaurant. This person said, “Mort Mather’s asparagus has been growing for 40 years --- it’s sweet.” Sounds to me more like one more good reason to marry an older woman.

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6. You’ll never guess where I’ve been. I have visited the most famous and sought out tourist attraction since the old man fell off the mountain in New Hampshire. I have been to the airport in Minneapolis where that man was arrested for sticking his hands or feet or something into the adjoining toilet stall. While Googling it to see what the man’s name was, I found there is even a news web page about it that turns up. But, going to the men’s room in the Minneapolis airport is just like visiting the Statue of Liberty. Once you’ve seen it, the only value is being able to brag that you’ve been there. Oh, there is a good chance that next week you will hear me say on this program that I have never seen that airport and that I made a mistake when I said I did. There is something about that Minneapolis airport that makes you forget things.

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7. User does not exist for you. That’s what it said on the email. I just got an email from Dale Fisk in Idaho asking me about Avalon Gadgets. He said they gave him a phony shipping number. And when I replied to Dale Fisk in Idaho, my email came back with a “user does not exist to you.” If you have been listening for three years, you might remember that I bought a camera from Avalon Gadgets. Avalon Gadgets got so many complaints from people that I thought that they would have been driven out of business by now. And by that I mean running the same scam in the same place with a different name. The lesson learned here was: do not buy from a company on line that you have never heard of. Especially, do not buy from a company on line that has no phone number or street address on their web pages. Be sure to go on line and read reviews of the company. And remember, if you see six good reviews and six bad reviews, please realize that these bad companies can post their own good reviews. The bad reviews are the valid ones. But until Dale Fisk returned my phone call, I even wondered about him. Can you tell me why my emails to him came back with, “user does not exist for you.” I get around 200 junk emails every day and I wish that I did not exist for them.

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8. I still haven’t had time to tell you about the things I heard at the Common Ground Fair. One giant of a man named Smith, told me that I was a good speaker. It’s always nice to hear that. Smith then said, “But when I want to hear a really good speaker, I go down to St. George on Memorial Day and listen to your brother.”

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9. When you get old your eyes are very often not as good as they used to be. While I was up at the Common Ground Fair, a very close examination of my necktie revealed a bit of slop on it. And from time to time my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, asks me why I always look so shabby. Before you ask me why I walk around with spots on my necktie you might consider a logical reason. If I stand on a stage, and everyone rivets their eyes on my grungy necktie, even Helen Thomas might not realize that I’m not saying anything.

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10. When I was a kid I heard about a thing called the wonderful democratic process. Back when I was a kid, we didn’t know what that meant. But things are different today. Nowadays kids know more than they did 60 years ago. Today if you ask a kid to define the wonderful democratic process, he’ll tell you it means sending troops into another country.

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11. I want to thank you for the hundreds and hundreds of thank you letters you have written me over the past year for making this show for you. Yes, from time to time I do hear complaints. Here is one from John Terninko who says, “The only problem I ever had with your show is that you would like people to think rationally.”

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12. Not long ago I was in a room chock full of police chiefs. Because I rushed down to the meeting in Wells from the Common Ground Fair in Unity, I didn’t get there as early as I would have liked. But I did get to glean a bit of wisdom from two or three new friends. Because Marsha and I have a Bed and Breakfast that depends on people from away, I asked a chief from down Kittery way how he could bring himself to arrest cheerful Massachusetts speeders who were heading into Maine with pockets full of money. The chief laughed and said, “Hah. We let them spend their money and then we get them on the way out.”

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13. You know that my hobby is studying languages. I can read seven foreign languages and there are three more I studied in college that I can’t read. For a year I’ve been working on Italian and I’m almost at the point where I could read a Harlequin Romance in that beautiful language if I could find one. Harlequin Romances, as you might know, are written for people with a 6th grade reading ability so they are ideal for the beginning student. People at radio conventions are amazed when I admit that I don’t listen to the radio when I’m driving. For years I listened to language tapes and now I spend every available driving minute listening to Italian on a CD. And although, because of my studies, I can shame James Bond with my ability to order exotic Italian wines, my Italian language CDs are strangely silent on the topic of chocolate milk.

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