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This is a rough draft of The humble Farmer's Rants for the week of October 14, 2007

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1. The other day I was digging through a pile of papers in my office. A friend was standing next to me and I was loading him down with some of my stories and articles. You know, giving him something to read while he was staying with us. Somewhere halfway through the pile, I came upon my visa card statement and I said, “Well, you don’t want to read my bank statement.” He said, “Why not? It might be more interesting than your stories.”

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2. My wife Marsha has 47 first cousins. One of them was on a tv program that I think was called June Pawley. Which was why we were watching the June Pawley show. A guest on this show was a doctor who had a recipe for extending one’s life span. You might remember that three or so years ago I started drinking 4 ounces of wine every day because I heard on that very show that drinking 4 ounces of wine every day could increase my life by 3 years. I had to stop doing chugging 4 ounces of nasty tasting wine every day because I broke out with wicked hives --- probably because of alcohol poisoning. I am genetically predisposed to being an alcoholic. And also on this June Pawley program, this man said that you could increase your life span by 3 years by flossing every day. Of course, this is probably because anyone who can afford to buy dental floss lives a life style that is conducive to longevity. So I’ve been happily flossing and thinking that it is going to increase my life span by three years. But --- yesterday I got to thinking that flossing might not give me the three years between 75 and 78. They might be the years between 67 and 70, and in that case, I’ve already used them up.

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3. The man who stopped behind me at the stop light jumped out of his car. I looked in the outside rear mirror and saw him running toward me. I’ve stopped at stoplights in cities in this country where that would fill me with alarm. But in Rockland, Maine you can only wait and wonder. When the man got abeam of my car, he exclaimed, “My name is Ken Lux and you took my picture three days ago in Minneapolis.” If I’d known I could have taken his picture in Rockland, I could have been spared a very long and expensive trip.

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4. The first time I read the Count of Monte Cristo I was probably 12 or 14 years old. I remember my father telling me about one of his favorite lines in the book. When the banker, Danglars, says that he is willing to give Monte Cristo up to a million dollars in credit, Monte Cristo says, “Of what use might I have for such a trifling sum?” And then he whipped out the million that he carried in his change purse. The last time I read The Count of Monte Cristo was last week. I cried at some parts. I shouted at some parts. I laughed at some parts. Don’t see the movie. The movie is a hollow mockery of one of the greatest novels I’ve ever read. The hero in this book looks like Pierce Brosnan and is a combination of Clint Eastwood, Albert Schweitzer, Bill Gates, Mr. Belvedere, Robin Hood, Jean Claude Van Damme, Martha Stewart, Warren Buffet, and Oscar Wilde – on steroids. This is the kind of book that you enjoy more and more every time you read it. I am mentioning The Count of Monte Cristo now because of a curious line I just read in a review of this great book. The line is about two prisoners who lived in adjoining dungeons for 14 years who communicated by means of a tunnel they dug between their cells. It said, “The two prisoners eventually connect and quickly become inseparable friends.”

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5. Here’s something I have to look into. A radio friend writes, “Besides podcasts and streaming video or audio from your Web site, have you looked into the possibility of providing what are known as 3gp videos for cell phones? If you have mp3 or mpg files, they can be converted to 3gp, which very many cell phones support. Verizon uses it for their VCast content distribution. The numbers are compelling. There are hundreds of millions of PCs, but billions of cell phones, with about 1 billion sold every year. A piece of vintage music, some acerbic Yankee wit, all packaged up into 3-5 minute chunks might be worth thinking about.” Yes, of course I don’t understand this, but with help from you, I want to look into it.

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6. More than a year or so ago I bought a computer program called Pinnacle. It is a program that enables you to edit a video program on your computer in the privacy of your own home. For weeks I’ve been trying to learn how to make my radio program as a television program on my computer. You can believe that I’ve bothered more than a few gurus with my whining phone calls and I’ve spent some money buying sound cards and innumerable parts and odds and ends, most of which I probably don’t need. Yesterday I called the Pinnacle company itself for technical support. I was told that they were going to charge me for this help. After weeks of study and consulting with innumerable computer gurus, I’ve got to the point where I can actually make a DVD with my Pinnacle program on my computer. Shows me sitting at the mike ranting away. The color is fantastic. But there is no sound. I can think of at least one station in Maine that would be glad to run it under those conditions.

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7. My call to Pinnacle today was to find out how to make my computer record sound and video at the same time. The man at Pinnacle said that I need to update my cmaudio.sys driver. It’s old. And, by the way, it was the second man at Pinnacle that told me that. The first one got cut off half way through a diagnostic test. I’m sure I’ll be charged for two calls. But did you know that there is no charge to download an updated driver? Although I still haven’t been able to do it I’ve discovered that all you have to do to get a free updated driver is listen to some commercials.

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8. When you see a television ad that tells you how to vote on a bond issue and on the bottom of the screen it says Fighting for Maine’s Future, don’t you get suspicious? To begin with, you know that there is money behind it. And when there is money behind a TV ad, you know that someone stands to make a lot more money than they have invested in television advertising. Because I wanted to know, I Googled “Fighting for Maine’s Future” and you can probably guess what I found.

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9. Some friends invited me to their wedding in Bar Harbor. It was held in a garden, a glorious affair. Surrounding us on three sides were beautiful stone walls, at least six feet high. When I mentioned to the best man that it was the first time I’d ever seen a wedding ceremony performed in an area surrounded by high stone walls, he said, “Yes, the bride finished building them about 6 this morning.”

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10. From time to time I meet someone who is wise beyond his years. At that wedding Marsha and I attended in Bar Harbor last week, the best man was a lawyer who couldn’t have been more than 30 years old. He is the one I just told you about who said that the bride had been up all night building stone walls all around the area where the wedding was to take place. How often does a bridegroom find his legal counsel in his best man? Counsel asked me what my wife did, and I said, “She cleans.” He said, “Ah yes, to love is to clean.”

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11. Some good friends recently suggested --- no, they demanded, that I make my radio program as a television program so my old fashioned music and humorous social commentary can have wider distribution as a television program. At first I didn’t think it was a good idea, and I still don’t know how it will work, because what do people look at while the music is playing and I’m simply sitting there, thinking about what I’m going to say next? But my friends bought me a Canon GL 2 video camera and told me to learn how to produce my radio program as a television program. They said the show could also be put out in a format that could be played on cell phones, if anyone can imagine such a thing. I have learned a lot since I started with this project. I have called India several times for technical support. Have you ever been cut off while talking with your technical support in India? I was told --- I don’t know if it is true or not --- but I was told that they get paid according to how quickly they complete each session and how many phone calls they take. It has nothing to do with whether or not they help the customer. Think about this the next time they cut you off.

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12. I cannot read directions and I like to think that this is because most people do not know how to write directions. Years ago I had experience writing what is called Programmed Learning. Programmed Learning gives you a recipe that tells you how to do something and it tells you step by step so you cannot fail. Because very few people want to record a television program directly from a video camera to their computer’s hard drive, there are no programmed instruction manuals on how to do it and I don’t know if it is possible to find one person who knows how to set up the operation. A camera guru who is intimately familiar with the camera being used has to work tongue in ear, or hand in hand, which probably sounds better, with a computer guru who is intimately familiar with the computer being used. Even then, the road to truth and enlightenment is rough and uneven, environed with dangers, and leads the gurus you know not where. From all this, I have learned that trying to get two different types of technology to work together --- is a tedious road of trial and error. It takes two gurus and a third person who knows how to make coffee. Luckily for me, I really never have to read directions. My wife tells me what to do.

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13. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” I do. Every morning I wake up in a bed next to my wife. (070511)

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14. My friend Gary said he was glad to see his friend Herb. They hadn’t seen each other for 30 or so years. The topic naturally turned to mutual friends. But they soon gave it up because so many of their friends were either sick or had died. Herb said, “I’ve got a plan. I plan to live forever. And so far my plan is working.”

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