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Peace is bad for Business.

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November 18, 2008 Rants

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1. I have one of those electronic machines on the dashboard of my car. You can tell it where you want to go and it will take you there. I think they call it a GPS. Because our friend Doris made a generous contribution toward the purchase of this machine, we call it Doris. Doris can also tell you where to get gas or find a room for the night. There is another button you can push on the machine that will help you find restaurants. If you have worked with computers or machines like the one I’m talking about, you know that they’re considered to be ignorant pieces of metal and plastic. Anyone you have ever met will probably tell you that these machines cannot think or make a value judgment. They can do no more than what you tell them to do. But --- the GPS I have --- comes as close to being human as any machine I have ever worked with. It refuses to recognize McDonald’s as “food.”

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2. I read in a magazine that since 1994 over 13,000 Americans were treated for yoga related injuries. According to this article, some people teaching yoga don’t know enough about it. Back in the good old days, you’d climb a mountain and study yoga one on one right there at the entrance to the master’s cave. But according to this article, nowadays you can be a yoga instructor after just a weekend course.

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3. We do not belong to the socio-economic group of people who subscribe to newspapers or magazines. When I say that I read something in a magazine, people who know me well realize that I must have paid a recent visit to my doctor or dentist. So when I say that I read something in a magazine, people who know me well think to themselves, “I wonder what’s wrong with him now?”

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4. Years ago I spoke to a cow association. It might have been the Holstein Association and it might have been something else. I do remember the meeting well because the president of the organization was one of the smartest and funniest men I’ve ever seen in front of a microphone. I’m pretty sure it was at that meeting that I asked a farmer if there was any money in cows. He said, “There’s a lot of money in cows. The trouble is in getting it out.”

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5. I recently went a week without a telephone or email. There is a company called Comcast that I’m pretty sure has a monopoly on television and computer cable service in Fort Myers, Florida, and when I called Comcast and asked to be hooked up, they said it would take a week. The Comcast man has been by our house at least twice in two days, but they apparently don’t twist all the little “on” switches when they are in your neighborhood. You don’t get turned on until your name comes up on the list. Unless you have talked with Comcast people on the telephone in Florida, you might not believe that it takes around a half hour for the service person to locate your account and then tell you that it would be turned on next Tuesday. But. There is a bright side to all of this ignorance and inefficiency. Did you know that without the Internet you can have a life? Without hundreds of junk emails and dozens of emails from friends, I had time to organize my entire office. I was able to organize my music library. I had time to get out a huge mailing. I had time to ride my bicycle and get some exercise. In other words, without the Internet it is possible to have a wonderful life.

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6. Mark writes: Dear Humble, I have come up with a solution to the stumbling economy in Maine [end of quote --- because here I have to ask you --- who says that the economy in Maine is stumbling? “Oh, the Maine economy is stumbling.” --- “Oh, they tax and spend.” I guess we know who borrows and spends to put money into his friends’ pockets. The Maine economy is stumbling sounds like some lie that someone tries to perpetuate to try to get you to vote for something that really will impoverish the state.] May I start again? --- Mark writes: Dear Humble, I have come up with a solution to the stumbling economy in Maine that does not involve gambling, prostitution, or higher taxes. The solution, which has been at our fingertips all along, is bean suppers. Bean suppers you say? Yes, bean suppers. The problem all along, in my opinion, is that we let people leave the facilities too soon. As a result, people drive home with their heads out the window, desperately gasping for air, and all of that valuable methane is lost, thereby adding to global warming. How do we keep them around? We add the entertainment component, or as some people in Maine like to refer to it, The Arts, showcasing Maine talent, storytelling, musical presentations, dancing, etc. We obviously can't do this, however, without some modifications to the ventilation of these facilities. By installing adequate ventilation and small, highly efficient (and probably non-sparking intrinsically safe ones at that) burners with generators that would allow us to download power directly to the grid, or even to supply the energy needs of the facilities themselves. I even have an idea for vented seats that could be produced at Hussey Seating in York County that further facilitate the air exchange, thereby making the experience all the more pleasant.

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7. To continue with Mark’s letter on helping the economy. He says: What to do with Washington County? Well, when this idea takes off, we’re going to need a lot more beans. Instead of growing potatoes at a loss year after year, the growers can leave that nightmare to other states, and grow beans of all types here, and finally make some money. We can transport them by rail, and use the same lines to run people up country in the fall to see the colors change, watch the bean harvest, and visit bean suppers in far away towns. Every little town does their bean suppers a little differently, and with the entertainment component varying from town to town, visitors would really have something to look forward to. There are, of course, the international marketing possibilities, where companies would offer package bean supper tours of the State. We could also showcase other Maine products as well such as honey, blueberries, etc.

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8. To continue with Mark’s letter --- With this new source of cheap energy, we might finally be able to lure some big companies to locate their operations in Maine. That is, of course, if we still need them after the huge injection of economic stimulus to our economy brought about by the bean suppers. We could elect Bean Queens for each community! We will need some clever new slogans for the inevitable ad campaigns that we would run and the bumper stickers for our vehicles. One might be: Visit Maine--It's A Gas! Certainly people more clever than myself can handle the marketing side of things. I'm strictly the idea guy. The little stuff will have to be worked out by the experts. Don't even get me started on my Municipal Ambassador Program for the homeless... I hope you and the almost perfect woman are enjoying your fall. Best regards, from Mark in Portland

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9. I’d like to thank the person who gave me the little book with the orange cover that is called, “What to Do if you are lost in the Maine woods.” There is a survival program on TV and I’ve seen parts of that from time to time. And because people live in all parts of the world --- on the ice, in the jungle, in the Maine woods --- it is obvious that people can not only just survive, but enjoy living anywhere. One of the comments that is repeated over and over in this book on how to survive in the Maine woods is that you don’t have to be afraid --- there is nothing out there that will eat you. --- black flies --- mosquitoes.

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10. Over the past 70 or so years I’ve spent a bit of time out in the woods. You’ve heard me say that I have 75 or so acres of woods on the salt water that I’d very much like to put into some forever wild type of conservation so my heirs can’t sell it off for house lots. When I was little I played in the woods and built little log houses. When I was older I spent many hours in my woods cutting out the brush and weed trees so the good trees could grow. But I’ve always left a trail of bread crumbs so when I finished my work I could find my way home. Sometimes the sun told me which way to go if I was off one of my wood roads. But I’m glad to say that I have never been lost for so long that I had to build a shelter and spend the night in the woods. You heard me mention that I have a book that tells what to do if you are lost in the Maine woods. Somewhere in that book it says that if you have to spend the night in the woods, do remember that there are many sports in New York City and Boston who pay big money every year to do what you are about to do.

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11. Are you an honest person? Would you steal something if you had the chance and there was no way that anybody would ever find out about it? I always considered myself to be an honest person. I would never steal anything. It was the way I was brought up. But this morning I realized that I might not be as honest as I thought. Please listen closely. I haven’t been fishing since 1942 or so. Fishing is a game of chance. You keep at it all day and hope that you catch something. Which is the exact opposite of dating in your 20s. But every Saturday morning around 6 I leave the house to go lawn sale ing which is exactly like fishing. I enjoy prowling around the neighborhood wondering what I’m going to find. I almost said “what I’m going to steal” because that is what lawn sale ing amounts to. Yesterday I got a 25 foot tape measure for a quarter. Two new 30 foot drop cords --- one was a droplight – both for 50 cents. A dollar got me a solid little wooden table, which I did need, which fits nicely between my computer desk and my Mackie sound board. The price was so low that I couldn’t even bring myself to offer the woman half a buck for it. Hang in there.

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12. We’re talking about being honest here. I always thought I was honest, but Saturday morning I saw what I recall is a Dewalt DW505 hammer drill for $2. Half inch chuck. I bought it and asked the man if the little tin can of 30 or 40 drill bits that were in the basket came along with it. They did. The man said it belonged to his uncle who had just died. I figured the drill alone was worth $80 and when I came home I Googled it and discovered that the drill cost $135 or so. So. Is anyone honest when they run around to lawn sales --- not that they need anything, but just seeing what they can practically steal? I didn’t need the tape measure or the drop cord or the drill. I only bought them because being able to bring home $200 worth of merchandise for three dollars is practically stealing which puts me in the category of your better antique dealers. I got an email from my friend Boon in Holland this morning that said that gas is now 1.51 Euros per liter which might translate into around $8 a gallon. You can thank you’re [I didn't see this until I read it on line. I'm leaving this "you're" in here as I think is is an example of how computers try to help the unlettered by inserting punctuation] lucky stars that I don’t control the fuel monopoly because if I did, from what I’ve learned about myself by going to lawn sales, you’d be paying even more.

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