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Peace is bad for Business.

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December 30, 2007 Rants

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1. The three years I spent at exercise class in front of a TV screen with the other retirees here at the rec hall has paid off. Today I noticed that my arms and legs look exactly like those of the woman on the screen.

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http://www.thehumblefarmer.com/index1.html

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2. I got an email this morning that said, “Cheryl Tiegs, unbelievable at age 58.” You might not believe this, but I have heard of Cheryl Tiegs and this is how it came to pass. Many years ago I got a video from Frank Abagnale. And he also sent me a book and a t-shirt and a cassette tape. And Frank Abagnale, whom you have since heard of because Tom Hanks starred in a movie about Frank Abagnale --- Frank Abagnale mentioned Cheryl Tiegs in his video. So when I got that email this morning that said, “Cheryl Tiegs, unbelievable at age 58,” I at least had an idea of who Cheryl Tiegs was. And it reminded me that I had not heard of Kate Moss when I got an email that said “Rare nude photos of Kate Moss.” You will recall that it amused me so much that I put two links on my web page. “Rare Nude Photos of Kat Moss” and another one that said, “Rare nude Photos of The humble Farmer” with page counters on them just to see how many people with nothing else to do would look. Now I think I’ll put up two more links. One of them will say: “Cheryl Tiegs, unbelievable at age 58.” I’m humble@humblefarmer.com Tell me what you think the other one should say.

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3. My friend, The Booger Boy, invited me over to his house for supper. He has invited several other friends over for supper. While there, he hopes that our combined strength will be enough to push a small pickup truck onto his car trailer so he can haul the truck off. This is probably a not too subtle way to alert his friends that a comealong would make a nice gift next Christmas. This was brought to mind when I looked out of my window and saw two men pull up in a pickup truck. The older man was sitting on the tailgate. The driver was tall and young and strong-looking and I though to myself how nice it would be if he were on hand when it came time to load the Boy’s pickup onto the trailer. The young man jumped out of the cab, walked around the truck, and slammed the tailgate hard so it would shut. When he gets older or when he has broken enough tailgate latches, he might discover that you can lift the latch which obviates the need of slamming a tailgate shut. But then again, from the way some elections have gone recently, I fear that he might not.

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4. I got a letter from Jim who says that he remembers meeting me. I asked him how he could remember meeting me, if I couldn’t remember him. His answer warrants your attention. Jim says, “I am unmemorable because I belong to the Maine Secret Society of Skinny Guys with Beards. We don't stand out in the crowd much.... but we're everywhere. The leaders among us wear wire rimmed glasses.

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5. Please give me your attention because I’m about to tell you something that will protect you from unwanted guests. While sitting in my office minding my business, I looked out the window and saw Jane ride up on her bicycle. When Jane came in, she walked through my office into the living room where my gracious hostess Doris and three of her friends were playing bridge. Jane saw Doris at the bridge table, muttered a greeting, turned on her heels and left. --- Although Jane was certainly a welcome guest, can’t you see the advantages in having a cocked and loaded bridge table set up in your living room? When the doorbell rings sit down, grab the cards and shout, “Come in.”

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6. If you were to Google The New York State Society for Respiratory Care you might be surprised at what you might find. And if you read through this web page, as I did, you will learn that the Student Sputum Bowl final competition is held annually each fall during the South Eastern Chapter Symposium. I’d like to know a little bit more about this Sputum Bowl final competition. Is it something particular to New York, or does this Sputum Bowl final competition exist in other states? And exactly what does the competition consist of? I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and I’d like to hear from you if you can bring up anything on the topic. At the risk of repeating myself, I will remind you that my friend Winky once worked as a laboratory assistant in our local department of respiratory care. His job was to photograph samples of mucus for microscopic analysis and he got very good at it. But you will remember that his girlfriend’s father threw him out of the house when he heard about it. The old man said he didn’t want his daughter hanging out with no film phlegm artist.

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7. One of my friends came by with two CDs by Tom Lehrer. Of course I asked if I might borrow them so I could play some Tom Lehrer for you. The last anyone heard, Tom Lehrer was in California and will be 80 this April. You would be well rewarded by Googling up Tom Lehrer. You can probably find him performing on YouTube. I found these reviews selected by Lehrer for his liner notes "Mr. Lehrer's muse is not fettered by such inhibiting factors as taste." — New York Times (9 February 1959) "More desperate than amusing" — New York Herald Tribune "He seldom has any point to make except obvious ones" — Christian Science Monitor "Plays the piano acceptably" — Oakland Tribune If you have anything you’d like to tell me about Tom Lehrer, I’m humble@humblefarmer.com

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8. Has anyone done a study on the correlation between height and cleanliness? Is it possible that your height determines what part of your house you are likely to keep clean? Would a person with stooped shoulders be likely to have a clean floor? My mother was short and when my Uncle George would come to visit he would run his fingers over the dust on the top of the door casings, which he could probably see if he stood on his toes. This was brought to mind today when I looked across a cupboard shelf, which was at my eye level, and saw a few crumbs. Marsha sleeps well at night because there is no way she can get up high enough to see those crumbs. Of course I’m not going to tell her about it, because I’m the only one who is tall enough to take out all the dishes and wipe down the shelves.

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9. You heard me tell about my Italian lessons. In lesson seven a young man picks up a girl in the hotel lobby and asks her if she would like a glass of wine. You will remember that I said I was afraid that at my age, lesson 9 would be likely to kill me. No to worry. In lesson 9 the young man tries to pick up a married woman who refuses to have anything to do with him --- other than carry on a conversation for at least 24 minutes. Roughly translated, it goes like this: “Would you like a glass of wine, Miss?” “No, I wouldn’t. And it’s Misses, not Miss.” “Oh, scuza. What time would you like to have a drink with me?” “Not at one o’clock and not at two o’clock.” And this goes on and on until all the hours of the day and night have been exhausted and he finally says, “Oh, I understand. You don’t want to have a drink with me. But you’d like to eat something with me?” I have heard that French men and Italian men are very persistant when it comes to pursuing women on their native soils, so the cultural insights of the lesson are as valuable as the linguistic content. If you’ve ever travelled in France or Italy and have observed this quaint old world custom first hand, we’d like to hear of it. I’m humble@humblefarmer.com and we’re talking here about old world charm. Do Italian men really do everything but carry a club and drag women home by the hair?

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10. My friend Phyllis asked me to Google Schadenfreude and among the things I learned was that one of the most famous cartoons ever made was a seven minute bit called One Froggy Evening. Have you ever seen or heard of One Froggy Evening? It is about a frog that sings, but it only sings for one man. I can’t find One Froggy Evening on netflicks. But it turns up on Amazon for $40 in a collection of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Your homework for this week consists of Schadenfreude and One Froggy Evening.

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11. Marsha visited the grandchildren for a week. Any man will tell you that living without your wife for a week is a shock to one’s system. Although I’ve coughed and coughed morning noon and night for years, I stopped coughing when Marsha left and I haven’t coughed for days. I kind of miss that old death rattle in my lungs. It will be good to be once again subjected to the airborne contents of the 9 different kinds of spray-bottle chemicals she keeps under the kitchen and bathroom sink. Because I wasn’t coughing, coughing, coughing, I was able to do 22 laps on my bike in the fog this morning. That translates into 9 miles in my snowmobile suit and mittens while listening to my Italian lessons. Not bad for an old guy, huh? I’ve had two hot dogs for dinner every day for a week now and have reached the point where I no longer have to eat the hotdogs to actually feel them in my stomach. That is the difference between hot dogs and spaghetti.

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12. You will recall I ate spaghetti every day as an unmarried middle aged man for 20 years. One of the reasons I ate spaghetti every day for 20 years was because it was easy to make, easy to eat, and easy to rinse off the plate when I finished. You can find my recipe for Spaghetti for the Single Person in the Maine Writers’ Cookbook along with Stephen King’s recipe for Ghoul-lash. When you eat spaghetti, there is never any left over because you make just enough to eat at that standing. You will remember that when a single man eats spaghetti, he eats standing at the kitchen counter. But when other meals are prepared for a family, especially at Christmas or Thanksgiving, there is likely to be food left over. These scraps of food, which as you know at Christmas or Thanksgiving can be substantial, are put in covered plastic dishes and are put in the refrigerator. This is good, because food should not be wasted. The problem arises on the third day when you ask your wife what happened to the potatoes in the white plastic container because she will tell you that she put the reminder in a smaller yellow container so it wouldn’t take up so much room in the refrigerator. And this goes on day by day with the containers getting smaller and perhaps changing color until a week later you finally give up trying to figure which plastic box has the cranberry sauce and throw whatever is left out in the back yard for the animals.

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13. it true that Medicare might soon be spending 2 billion to buy Viagra for seniors? Because smokers are over twice as likely to become impotent as non-smokers, should non-smokers be taxed for shortcomings that smokers have chosen to inflict upon themselves? If you are an older non-smoking man, you might want join me in a letter writing campaign opposing this expensive legislation. Shouldn’t we let our legislators know where we stand? 050527

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