+

Rants May 8, 2011

+

1. Anyone who Googles can learn that in a year up to 500 million birds are killed by cats and 440,000 birds are killed by wind turbines. If cats kill 1,000 times as many birds as wind turbines you should soon expect to see many newspaper articles which suggest solutions.

+

2. Did you read about the Neo-Nazi in California, who was allegedly shot and killed by his 10-year-old son? As I recall the victim had a cross and a skull tattooed on the back of his shaved head. A professional photo journalist has been following this supremacist group for several months, so there are more than a few on-line photos of their neighborhood family cookouts and children’s birthday parties. If you’ve been reading Maine newspapers rather closely for the past 10 or 11 years, you might be surprised to learn that when this man ran for a seat on a local water district he only won 28 percent of the vote.

+

3. Here’s a letter to the editor that says, "We used to have a guy just outside of town that would put inspection stickers on "marginal" vehicles. He always had WGOD radio on full blast and loved to talk religion. We all knew the deal. If you wanted a sticker, you had to take the sermon that came attached to it! I think of him every time it costs me a grand to get a sticker on my car." This letter from a reader reminds me of an inordinately salient comment my cousin Truman Hilt unleashed years ago. Truman said that nowadays you couldn't even get at the free wine and cheese at a party without having to listen to some hippie playing folk music on a guitar.

+

4. Although you know that I have made a name for myself by telling you every week on this program of how I’ve failed miserably once again at my most recent project --- and although you know that I am the last person to go around boasting and bragging, I would like to boast and brag by reading for you an email that just arrived. “Hello - I am the head of the English department at So and So High School in So and So, Maine. Every year we receive money … to have a writer come in and work with our students. I have had the pleasure of being able to see you work with some of our students at the Young Writers program at Bates. The students tell us year after year that you were their favorite visiting author. They really enjoy their time with you and the work you do with them. I was wondering if you were available at all in the next month or so to come in and work with our students here at So and So High School.” Well. How about them apples? To be fair, I must admit I have an advantage over all Maine teachers: I won’t get fired if I teach to inspire and instruct my students. Because of standardized testing, Maine teachers can no longer be concerned about helping their students but must think instead of their own tenuous jobs and what they can best do to keep from being fired. The reason I enjoy this letter so much is because years ago, my heart bubbling over with that wonderful feeling you get when you want to give something precious to others, I was brazen enough to present myself to the head honchos at high schools in Thomaston, Rockland, Camden and Waldoboro. As I recall, my eyes filled with the tears that come from joyous giving, I offered my services to these people and presented them with a short proposal that said I’d like to visit their schools, probably after the regular school day, and spend an hour talking with any students that were interested in writing for newspapers --- you know that at one time my humor column was syndicated in over 50 newspapers --- the mechanics of putting on a stage presentation --- you know that I have died before dozens of audiences and could tell students what not to do, or making radio or television programs. You know I got thrown off the radio, which indicates that I must know how to say something powerful and important, because you can’t get thrown off for just babbling or calling people names. You might recall that the first television commercial I ever made beat out 650 entries to take best of show in 42 categories of advertising at the Brodison Awards down in Portland. I’d also taught classes in many subjects as diverse as driver education to 18-year-old high school boys who couldn’t read to behavior modification to teachers who wanted to learn how to control children. And now that I think of it at one time I also held licenses to marry innocent young people, conduct auctions and teach children in Maine. Well, because I was over 60 years old at the time I went to all these schools with my offer I didn’t think I was being presumptuous and really thought an educator would be thinking outside of the box enough to at least be interested. I’ll never forget what one of those top-drawer and highly paid educators said to me. “What in the world could you tell our students that our teachers can’t?” Well, I still can’t answer that question, but perhaps the students who have seen me roll on the floor or get on my knees to illustrate a point could. The letter says, “The students tell us year after year that you were their favorite visiting author.” My friend, doesn’t that tell you that there is still hope for the great state of Maine? As Jackie Gleason used to say, “How sweet it is.”

+

5. Now would be a good time to switch to another station if you don’t want to hear this story from my friend Winky, because I’m only passing it along to you for what you think it’s worth. Winky said that when he answered a knock on the door this morning there was a young man there who said, “Hi there, I’m here for Lord.” Winky invited him in, offered him coffee and said, "Well, go ahead. What do you want to talk about?" And the fellow said, “I don’t know. You’re the first person who has ever invited me in."

+

6. A friend sent me a newspaper article about a social psychologist who polled his audience at a Convention Center. He started by asking how many considered themselves politically liberal. A sea of hands appeared, and he estimated that liberals made up 80 percent of the 1,000 psychologists in the ballroom. When he asked for centrists and libertarians, he spotted fewer than three dozen hands. And then, when he asked for conservatives, he counted a grand total of three. The three conservatives might have even trade show vendors who as graduates of Patrick Henry College just happened to be in the room and who were making twice as much as their psychologist customers. You might have read that this is why they created Bible colleges. Students from conservative Christian families who go to a state college or university often come home as liberals, some of whom don’t even believe there is a god. Ask yourself how many people could get a PhD in social psychology and not be a liberal?

+

7. In a letter to the editor, a reader asks: "I was for wind farms but these mountain top chains are wrong. Why can't they find a place in Maine that utilizes old abandoned fields?" This is an excellent question. Check on line for “U. S. wind resources organized by wind classifications at an elevation of 50 meters.” Wind quality varies with geography, and you can find maps that will answer your question. The text I have is Energy For Sustainability (2008) Randolph and Masters, and if there is a more up-to-date or more accurate book on sustainable energy, perhaps someone will tell us what it is. Our knowledge of how to best harness the wind is increasing daily and here we have learned that bigger is better --- or more efficient. Now we are told that the hub on these huge machines is at a height of 80 meters. We read that wind farms in North Dakota or Texas alone could supply more than one third of our national demand, but then there is the problem of sending the power to where it is needed. In an ideal world, each home would have its own solar/wind power unit. If you have been in Europe lately you might have seen substantial wind turbines in a farmer’s back yard. He generates all the power he needs and sells the rest. It is understandable that the oil and coal industries will continue to spend millions denigrating renewable energy. It will be many years before the U. S. catches up with many progressive parts of the world, only because most people in the U. S. will never discover that we are behind.

+

8. I haven’t been able to talk for several days. It gave me time to do fun things like re-reading the Goebbels diaries for 1942-1943. I wasn't surprised to discover what a great role written "guidelines" played in the Nazi culture. If you have written guidelines that your employees have signed, it is easier to hold the guilty accountable and thereby restore order. Carry your identification at all times, are your papers in order? Are we required to carry identification papers on our persons at all times in Maine? It is probably coming. I was also reminded that illegal immigration, now tacitly supported by corporate America as a necessary source of cheap labor, has also emerged as a neo-Nazi talking point. If you can’t understand how it is possible to hold two contradictory beliefs in your head at one time, you must have been sick the day they discussed that book in high school.

+

9. We read. We read. Do I not have an original thought but what I can only parrot back at you from the emails or books you’ve sent me? We read that a proposal to pass a $1.50 increase in the state excise tax on cigarettes to bolster the Fund for a Healthy Maine and reduce teen smoking is likely to be vetoed. Wow. Can you believe that the man really doesn’t know how much more our healthcare costs you because of tobacco related illnesses? Can he really be unaware that all these unnecessary costs incurred by smokers get passed along to you and me in higher insurance and medical bills? Wow. Raising the tax on cigarettes would greatly lower healthcare costs that you have to pay for later. Wouldn’t you think that people in a position of public trust should do whatever they could to promote our health and well-being? And if some people right up there at the top don’t know that smoking costs you and the state money you and the state shouldn’t be spending, shouldn’t someone tell them? Don’t you hear a lot of talk about cutting this and cutting that to save? Isn’t saving money the big number one game plan on the table in Augusta today? If saving the taxpayers money, if there really is a tea party revolution in this state and is not just a lot of bluster, why aren’t we improving health while saving lives and money by jacking up that cigarette tax?

+

10. Did you hear about the kid who got arrested for driving a Suzuki on one wheel --- through downtown Bangor? It might have reminded you of another very sloppy and careless young man who was recently brought into court down in Portsmouth on a paternity charge. At the trial it was discovered that not only was he was wanted in Fort Kent for a similar crime but that both children were born on the same day. The judge asked the defendant, “How could you do such a thing?” Whereupon the defendant’s lawyer jumped to his feet and shouted, “He has a Kawasaki Ninja.”

+