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The week of April 7 marked 35 years that humble has made this radio program for you. --- Around 1820 shows. He was a kid of 42 when he started driving to Orono every week to make this program.

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Rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for July 7, 2013

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1. And it came to pass that I put up a staging so my wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, could scrape and paint the house. I do not mention this to boast and brag about what a thoughtful helpmate I am but to enrich your marriage by suggesting to you that a truly creative husband can manifest his love in many unique and wonderful ways.

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2. While looking through Dateline’s webpage, this is what I read. I quote without permission: “The earliest known ancestors of modern humans might have reproduced with early chimpanzees to create a hybrid species, a new genetic analysis suggests. …Scientists can't say how long the hybridization carried on, but the final speciation occurred around 5.3 million years ago, possibly because the two species' genetic codes were too different to mix, or because the animals were simply physically unappealing to each other.” Wow. Would this not also indicate that back then they didn’t drink alcohol?

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3. If you were in Tenants Harbor to enjoy the St. George Memorial Day parade, you saw me between the fire engines and the sheriff’s car in my 1919 Model T station wagon. There are not many 1919 Model T station wagons around that are painted white and that have 7 foot signs on each side that say The humble Farmer in 18 inch red letters. I felt somewhat conspicuous driving it to the parade because it is very old. But then I got to thinking that in 1951 I used to feel somewhat conspicuous driving it because in 1951 it was very old. I am going to tell you what happened when I arrived at the road block in Tenants Harbor and was stopped by a fireman road block guard on my way to that parade. But first. Do you suppose anyone ever actually said, “You can’t get there from here?” Do you suppose that a motorist from Boston ever stopped at Hall’s Market, screwed down the window of his car and asked, “How do you get to Rockland?” --- to have the character on the steps say, “My brother takes me.” Do you suppose a Massachusetts driver ever asked, “Can I take this road to Rockland?” to be told, “Far’s I’m concerned you can.” Or after looking at the lobster trap strapped to the roof, “Might just as well, looks like you’ve got just about everything else.” Or, “Where’s this road go?” “Don’t go nowhere. Stays right there.” Do people think before they ask these questions? Now, let’s go back to Tenants Harbor where traffic is being diverted because the people in St. George are getting ready for their annual celebration parade. I am in my 1919 white Model T truck, banners flying in the wind. I slowly approach the road block. The gentleman in charge puts up his hand for me to stop. He approaches, looks up and me, and asks, “Are you in the parade?”

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4. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, just let slip --- that some evening soon I would be able to speak my garbled German with her friend who might be staying with us for a few days. And of course I said, “What would you be doing right now if I had just announced that my friend was coming tonight and might be staying for a few days?” And she had to admit that she would probably shriek and cry and rend her garments. But --- she justified this by saying, “You don’t have to cook for them.” I very quickly said, “I could cook for them. You know I could cook for them.” And what do you suppose she said? “I know, but I’m afraid of what you would cook for them.” My wife said this to me --- Robert Skoglund, The humble Farmer, whose recipe for Spaghetti for the Single Person was printed in the Maine Writer’s Cookbook along with Stephen King’s recipe for Ghoul – lash. You have probably eagerly sought out and used my recipe for Spaghetti for the Single Person on my web page and if you checked the counter on the bottom of the page you know that The humble Farmer’s spaghetti for the single person is one of the most eagerly sought out culinary delights on the World Wide Web. Although I probably ate spaghetti twice a day for the 20 years that I lived alone as an adult male, I am capable of providing an exciting menu for my visiting friends. Be honest with me --- what could you possibly have against my opening a can of B&M beans and boiling a few hot dogs? --- served up with mustard and my brother’s tasty home made pickles? And then, I almost forgot, there is Campbell’s tomato soup and chicken noodle soup and even --- I think it is Cream of Chicken soup that I used to put on toast. But my wife would ride through town naked on a horse before she’d feed me or you out of a can. If she knew that you were coming for supper, she would spend half of my monthly social security check on health-giving fresh veggies and then, at the last minute, bake succulent calorie infested goodies that she would heap on your plate with three kinds of ice cream. But --- shouldn’t a meal at a friend’s house be no more than an excuse to enjoy each other’s company?

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5. Long time Radio Friend Mike in Bangor writes: Dear humble, How's this for a humble Question of the week? You have just won an argument with your wife. You should immediately: A) Gloat to your wife; B) Gloat to bystanders; C) Apologize immediately and hope you seem sincere in the effort. Any husband but a newlywed should get this one easily. Single men are very apt to guess wrong. Women, single or married, may correctly refuse to answer on the basis of rejecting as invalid the premise of a man winning an argument with his wife. Your friend, Mike --- -- I never disagree with Mike but if you’ve been married for 20 years wouldn’t you want me to point out that an argument with your wife is like a war between two countries? : when the smoke clears and you look at what you have left no one really wins.

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6. We were told that the Maine House of Representatives voted 95-52 to provide health care to 70,000 working people in Maine. But Maine is not going to expand Medicaid this year because Governor LePage vetoed the bill. And then we read that "Gov. Paul LePage's administration will no longer comment in stories published by the Portland Press Herald, the Kennebec Journal and the Morning Sentinel, his spokeswoman said Tuesday. "The new policy follows the newspapers' publication of a three-day series of articles this week examining LePage's top environmental regulator and how her department's actions have benefited her former lobbying clients in private industry." Well, what's the sense in being in power in government if you don't look out for the economic interests of the people who put you in there? The way I understand it, the sole purpose of a government is to look out for the interests of the folks who put that government in office. In Finland and Sweden and Denmark and some other progressive countries the people in government look out for the interests of the people who voted them in. That's the way their system is supposed to work. In this country the people in government look out for the interests of the huge corporations that spent vast amounts of money to get them in. That's the way our system is supposed to work. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, is not like me in many ways. Sometimes she says unkind things about people. I don't like to do that kind of thing as it is not nice to say unkind things about people. I told Marsha that the governor's people had done some things that were against the economic interests of the working people and small business owners in Maine and he didn't like the fact that it was written up in a newspaper. And Marsha said, "Who told him?"

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7. Do you ever listen to that radio program where you call in with a problem about your car and the experts tell you that all will be well if you replace the heat deflector on the exhaust manifold or put sawdust in the rear end? Here’s a question you might like to ask: “When I turn on the switch in my pickup truck, what is that whining sound that comes out of the dashboard?” “It’s probably The humble Farmer. If you can stand it for an hour, it will go away.”

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8. A man once came up to me at the Common Ground Fair and said that his name was Harold Mosher and that 40 or so years ago he used to work with me in the Navigator Motel in Rockland for our good friend, the late, great Paul Devine. And Harold asked me if I could remember working with him and I said that I couldn’t. And I said to Harold, “How in the world, after 40 years, can you remember me?” And Harold said, “You used to hang your underwear out to dry in the lobby.”

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9. For years my neighbor Jimmy Parker built boats with the Dennison boys and anyone who has built wooden boats on the coast of Maine with a man named Dennison has bathed in the font of wisdom. I have seen Jimmy Parker take a pile of oak planks and turn it into a --- I don’t know --- a 30 -- 40 foot boat? --- right in his front yard. I stopped in to see Jimmy one day because I’d just picked up an oak plank on the dump and I wanted him to have it. After giving it a professional once-over, he said, “It’s a good thing that the road to the dump goes two ways.” And while I had his attention I showed him the pine boards that I’d picked up at the same time by knocking apart a large pine shelf that might have just come out of the Port Clyde general store and I told him I was going to use them to build shelves in the little shed where I store my gardening tools and cow fence posts. But Jimmy said something that made me change my mind and now I don’t think I will build those shelves. Right now that building is so full that you can’t get in the door. And Jimmy very astutely pointed out that if I built shelves and put everything away, it would create a very inviting huge empty space on the floor and unless I changed my way of thinking and doing things it wouldn’t be long before I’d cart home more junk to fill up that space and I’d need even more shelves. You can see that I’d be in the same situation as a state that builds more prisons. Even before your friends in the construction business who built the prison have time to contribute to your next campaign, you discover that there is a waiting line to get in and you need yet another prison. I’m the humble farmer at gmail dot com and if you can explain why nature abhors an empty space, I’d like to hear from you.

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10. A fellow who says he improves web pages called me from Buffalo New York to tell me that my web page wasn’t turning up on the search engines. If he hadn’t called me, I would believe him.

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11. Do you believe that too many women destroy their feet by wearing high heels and pointy toed shoes? Here’s a response to that recent letter I read about the doctor who cuts off parts of a woman’s foot so she can squeeze them into pointy so-called fashionable shoes. My friend Martha says, “No wonder alien space ships don’t want to land here.’

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12. Perhaps you have been to Egypt and have seen, with your own eyes, the pyramids. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, has seen Stonehenge. You would be a unique individual, indeed, if you have seen the stone heads on Easter Island. I have seen the Parthenon and I have steered the Coast Guard Buoy Tender Laurel through the Cape Cod Canal. The Great Pyramid of Giza, the Cape Cod Canal, Stonehenge, the moai on Easter Island, the Parthenon. Now, can you tell me what these five things have in common? Are they not all excellent examples of what intelligent young people can accomplish when not distracted by TV or video games?

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