Marsha and humble September 30, 2007





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This is a rough draft of Rants for your Maine Private Radio show for December 1, 2013

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Hello out there in radio land. Thank you for listening to The humble Farmer, your very own private radio show which I make just for you right here on Maine Private Radio, the one and only and exclusive home of No Things Considered.

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Rants December 1, 2013

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1. We all have things that we can do. And there are other things that we cannot do. Perhaps an adult might be defined as: “a person who knows what he can do and what he can’t do --- and isn’t afraid to admit it.” The email I recently received said, “humble, Don't you remember what I thought of as Plan A?” Of course I don’t remember anything about Plan A. Because I’d like you to learn a little more about me, you might listen closely to the reply I sent to this person: “Please realize that I don’t remember much of anything. My talent is not in remembering, but in synthesizing that which I have recently heard and presenting it to friends as original material.”

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2. You should look forward to getting older because as you get older, life gets simpler. One day I called a man in Farmington who said I called him last week and asked him the same question. It is true that you might do the same thing two or three times but it doesn’t worry you because you don’t realize you’ve already done it. And when you get old you have reached the age of impunity: nobody knows or cares if you’ve done anything or not. You probably know that I learned the word “impunity” when I first read about poor old Rip Van Winkle. I quote: “Having nothing to do at home, and being arrived at that happy age when a man can do nothing with impunity, he took his place once more on the bench.” When you read Rip Van Winkle, did you see an aged man coming down from the mountains to rejoin his neighbors? Or did you ever do the math? The way I read it, after poor old Rip Van Winkle woke up from his 20-year nap and came back to town to retire as one of town elders, he was 43 years old.

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3. And it came to pass that my wife Marsha and I got into a big motor home with friends and went down to Key West for a few days. I like Key West. It is different. Don’t you think it is interesting that I also like Smogen and Monhegan? Key West and Smogen and Monhegan are all islands. My wife Marsha, The Almost Perfect Woman, packed food and clothes. I didn’t bother to pack much of anything which was a mistake because I forgot to bring a belt or suspenders. Most of my pants are so small that I can navigate without a belt, but the pants I took to Key West had about an inch of slack around the waist. Yes, I know. I could have corrected the problem with a piece of rope, but I didn’t think of it at the time. So I walked the streets of Key West for two days with both hands hanging onto my pants so they wouldn’t fall off. Anyone who saw me probably thought, “Look at that old fool trying to dress like a teen aged kid.”

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4. The email said, “Look rich with Rolex from $199.” It made me laugh when I saw it. Who in their right mind would pay $199 for a watch when you can get a good one for $12 most anywhere? And who wants to look rich? A couple of my friends look rich, and when they went to Cannes to the film festival someone stole their rich kid looking bag with credit cards and money and who knows what else in it. What do you think these Frenchmen hold that film festival for? The bag I carry when I travel looks like something a Steinbeck character would have thrown off a bald-tired truck half way between Oklahoma and California. Nobody would steal my bag. And if they did all they’d get would be a pair of dirty drawers. My wife told me that my bag belonged to her first husband from Amsterdam, so it has been around for a while. Why would anyone want to look rich? Wouldn’t it be a lot more fun to be rich and look poor?

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5. When man started to live in small communities thousands of years ago, certain social rules evolved to keep good neighbors from killing each other. Ever since then there has been a general disagreement about what a government is supposed to do. Some people think that the purpose of a government is to provide security, municipal services, education and health care. These people realize that services that make life worth living cost money and that it is their tax money that makes it possible. Today the countries with the highest taxes, like Holland and Sweden, have the highest standard of living. My friends and relatives who have worked in countries like Nigeria where taxes are low, told me that the natives in the cities sit on street corners and cook over burning rubber tires. Nigerian streams are open sewers cluttered with plastic. You are escorted to your barricaded office by armed guards. You would not want to live in Nigeria where taxes are low. But in every country there are people who do not like government and taxes. They want all the benefits of good roads and a good education and a fire department but wail and rend their garments when asked to help pay for it. These two groups of people naturally form political parties through which they fight to achieve their goals. Interestingly enough, no matter which party is in office, the people who claim that government doesn’t work are always doing everything they can to prove that they are right.

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6. Secret to attracting beautiful women. That’s what the email said. That email was obviously directed at little boys because any mature man knows that there are few secrets in this life. And any mature man knows that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You have seen so called beauties in Miss America and other beauty contests that I wouldn’t be seen escorting through a back alley in Boston. In the experienced eyes of a homely old man who has been collecting social security for almost ten years, every one of them is a painted hussy. And going out with a woman who uses lipstick is a bother nowadays under our new government, because the police will stop her and pat her down and take away that tube of lipstick before they let her enter a plane or public building anyway. So these email ads are never written to appeal to mature men, because mature men are often married to beautiful women and wishing that they weren’t, or unmarried and happy to stay that way. And although young boys and old men alike are likely to gnash their teeth and make growling sounds when they see something exceptional, an old man knows that good looks --- when forced to stand alone --- can wear thin before the sun comes up the next day. Mature men know that there are personal attributes that far outshine physical beauty. Hoping that you are 19 or 20 years old and have never heard this story, I will tell you about a man who married a very homely woman who was a world famous opera singer. On the second day of their marriage, he looked at her and said, “For heaven’s sake, sing something.”

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7. I just chanced to think of a story I wrote 30 or so years ago. A condensed version of it would sound something like this: When I went next door and walked into Gramp Wiley’s trailer I shook the ice off my coat and hat and said, “Get your coat Gramp. Jamie Wyeth wants us to come down for supper. It will be a quiet time. Nobody there but Martha Stewart, Jennifer Lopez, Tom Brokaw, Larry King, Al Roker, and Dolly Parton. Gramp Wiley looked out the window at the driving, freezing rain bending the trees and said, “A man would have to be crazy to go out on a night like this. No, I’m staying right here.” Just then the phone rang. Gramp Wiley picked it up, listened for a few seconds and hollered, “Tom says the smelts are striking down at Harrington Cove and the boys are pulling them in two and three at a time. Time’s a wasting. Get my boots and so wester.”

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Robert Karl Skoglund
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860
(207) 226-7442
thehumblefarmer@gmail.com
www.TheHumbleFarmer.com

© 2013 Robert Karl Skoglund