Here's what you've been looking for: An opportunity to properly thank the friend who sent you a Sarah Palin inflatable doll for your last birthday.

Don't get mad --- get even. Send them humble's most humorous and/or most perceptive rants ever broadcast.

There are 15 or so more CDs of humble rants dating back to 2003. Some years I make two or three. Ask me for a deal.

Make checks payable to The humble Farmer and mail to

Robert Skoglund

785 River Road

St. George, ME 04860

The little colored box that says "Make A Donation" is of course for those of us who find PayPal more convenient than writing a check.

2010 CD #1 Have Some Coffee & Other Rants $12.60 --- includes shipping and sales tax
Come in and have some coffee

2010 CD #2 Adipose Rex and other salient comments --- $12.60 includes shipping and sales tax
Adipose Rex

2010 CD #3 Unique Crime In Maine and other Radio Commentary --- $12.60 includes shipping and sales tax
Crime Report From Maine

2010 CD #4 Adopt A Wolf, other Radio Commentary plus humble's classic Christmas Stories $12.60 --- includes shipping and sales tax
Adopt a Wolf

Or all four 2010 CDs, probably over four staggering hours of carefully researched sociobabble, for only $42 --- which includes shipping and sales tax.

In a hurry? Email me Ok humble, enrich my life. --- Or call 207-226-7442 if you're a true Type A in a hurry.

Sample rant from 2010 CD #1

The dirtiest hotels in the world. That was what the junk email said. Of course I had to Google The dirtiest hotels in the world so I could see where they were. Number one is in San Francisco. Let me read you a sample of the reviews: “First and foremost no one should ever walk into a hotel only to find prostitutes walking around the inside.” Think about this. What reason would they have to complain about a prostitute who was on her feet?

Sample rant from 2010 CD #2

I have been reading Greek plays to my wife’s little grandchildren --- you know, to set them on the right track academically speaking. And now, were you to ask them to name the fattest king in Thebes, they would shout, “Adipose Rex.”

Sample rant from 2010 CD #3

If fish can be genetically altered to be both male and female, why couldn’t humans? We are talking about something pretty scary here when you stop to think that it would effectively make marriage illegal in at least 11 states.

Sample rant from 2010 CD #4

The email that came this morning said that for $15 I could adopt a wolf, but I’m going to pass on it. For an extra $30 I can buy a day-old calf. I wouldn’t worry if the grandchildren were to pet it --- unless you can come up with some good old story about children being chased through the forest by a pack of salivating calves. And in two years some folks might insist I run for President were they to hear I’d shot and eaten my wolf.

Sample of one of humble's good old heartwarming Christmas stories.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

Have you ever seen a Christmas ghost? Have you ever met anyone who has? While visiting an elderly neighbor in a nursing home not too far from here, I was sitting in a chair near the door when a couple of nurses out in the hall started talking about ghosts. When one of them said that psychic phenomena can explain many things, I really started to pay attention. You know, you wonder if people who see ghosts are capable of taking care of our old friends and neighbors. She said she'd run into this psychic phenomena on her first job out of nursing school. She said, "We had a ward of 12 elderly ladies. They were all very sweet, and after the tough old birds I'd worked with at school, the job looked like a snap.

"Then, early one morning, one of them whispered to me, 'My husband was here last night.' Well, you know how they tell you at school that we should not humor elderly people when they hallucinate. I told her that her husband was not with us anymore.

"But she just smiled at me, a real warm smile, and said, 'My husband was here last night.'

"I told the head nurse about it and she said it was one of the most common things you hear in nursing homes. Some old people are always being visited by a parent or a loved one who hasn't drawn a breath for 20 or 30 years.

"So I didn't think anything about it when the woman in the next bed started in with the same thing about a week later. And with two of them saying it, none of us was surprised when 'My husband was here last night' was the only thing we heard in the entire ward from breakfast until noon. Even two ladies who had never been married picked it up.

"Appetites improved right down the line. The doctor said it wasn't unusual for people to eat more when they were in good spirits. And although he reminded us that we had an obligation to keep the patients in touch with reality, their imaginations had really done them a lot of good. Ladies who had been tired and had long been content to gaze at the ceiling for hours took a new interest in reading and knitting. Some began to write letters to friends and relatives. They visited with other patients and grew stronger from walking about and eating so well. The minister who visited the patients every day said we were witnessing a Christmas miracle and preached a special sermon on it the following Sunday. No one thought of it as being spooky at the time because everyone was so content and happy. The shock came on Christmas morning: I noticed that not one of the patients had finished her breakfast. When the other nurse in my ward mentioned that not one of them had said, 'My husband was here last night,' the hair stood right up on the back of my neck.

"You talk about your psychic phenomena. No one on the entire hospital staff was ever able to explain it and I guess I asked all of them about it.

"All except our old night watchman, that is. The batteries in his pacemaker had melted down on Christmas Eve and he'd spent the night over in intensive care."

Read the script for Most Subversive Comments of 2008 CD #2

Maine Soul Food 2007 CD #1

Merit Pay for Teachers, A CD

Read the script for Radio Commentary 2006 CD #1

Three 2005 CDs are Now Available

Read the script for Most Captivating Comments of 2005 CD #1

Read the script for Most Captivating Comments of 2005 CD #2

Two 2004 CDs Are Available

Want to hear a sample from 2004 CD #2?

No Stress In Maine? 1:33

Two 2003 CDs Are Available

Want to hear a sample from 2003 CD #2?

The Real Meaning of Christmas 5:30

Play these CDs in the nursery

Amaze your in-laws from away with a grandchild who talks like The humble Farmer

Now you can lock the door, pull the shades, and enjoy humble's Most Captivating Comments of 2005 (3 CDs), Most Memorable Radio Rants for 2004 (2 CDs), and The humble Farmer's Favorite Rants for 2003 (2 CDs)

And, after you've enjoyed them for a year or so, you can pretend you just bought them special for your favorite out of state relative's birthday.

Now all 7 CDs come in sturdy looking expensive-looking jewel cases. Of course they are anything but sturdy so they will be shipped to you in one of those thick brown padded envelopes. Even then, your friendly mailman might break off a corner but if he does, let humble know and he will replace it. Oh, when you mail your copy to a friend be sure to include a note to the effect that the wit and wisdom on humble's CDs never grows old.
These CDs make unforgettable birthday gifts.
Here's a quick and inexpensive way to thank a friend for a favor.
Imagine what you're likely to get the next time you visit them.
Simply email humble the address where you want them shipped.

Direct inquiries to



humble's Favorite Radio Rants for 2003 or any of these eight cassettes could teach your out-of-state friend to talk like a Mainer 

...some other term than "rant" ought to be applied to those pieces. Maybe you could use an acronym for "well reasoned acerbic prose", thus making the CD in its entirety a WRAP Session... Mike in Winterport 

New Friends: These so-called "Rants" or WRAPS are things that humble has said on his radio show over the past three years. Some are funny, some are humble's unique observations on Maine society and the headlines. Whenever possible, they are both. Some will probably never be heard on the radio again. 

Radio Commentary 2008 CD #1 ..........................................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Merit Pay for Teachers .......................................................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Maine Soul Food 2007 CD #1 .............................................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Radio Commentary 2006 CD #1 ..........................................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Most Captivating Comments of 2005 CD #1..........................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Most Captivating Comments of 2005 CD #2..........................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Hitler Was Crazy.....................2005 CD #3..................... ....@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Most Memorable Radio Rants of 2004 CD #1........................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

Most Memorable Radio Rants of 2004 CD #2........................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

2003 Radio Commentary CD #1............................................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 

2003 Radio Commentary CD #2............................................@ $12.00 ___________________________ 


........................................................................................Plus 5% tax ________________________ 

Add $1.75 shipping on orders of $24. or less Orders over $25. Free Shipping________________________ 


Please make checks payable to The humble Farmer
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860
Thank you for your consideration © 2012 Robert Karl Skoglund

Favorite Radio Rants for 2003 CD #1. Includes the War Rant (original recording)

Also hopefully includes 3 of humble's classic Christmas stories including:

The Real Meaning of Christmas 5:30

And the very mysterious and spooky __ Ghosts of Christmas Past 3:38

Please make checks payable to: 

Robert Skoglund 

785 River Road 

St. George, ME 04860 

To Order by telephone, call: 207-226-7442

Return to humble's home page  

Direct inquiries to  


Synopsis of each of the 8 tapes and each story on each tape follows: There are 8 humble Farmer audio tapes.

. Thanks for your interest.

Cassette 11 Side 1 Maine Speech

1. Ghosts (Patients in a nursing home suddenly take an interest in living: a Christmas mystery is never explained)

2. Back Payments Due (Uncle Ern loses a lawsuit when his wife testifies against him)

3. Brutality (A middle aged man swears he will never visit a dentist again until some changes are made)

4. Maine Speech (A sociological, pedantic survey: why we talk this way)

5. Olympic Material (Gramp Wiley is a liar of Olympic caliber)

6. Safety Regulations (Government bureaucrats get carried away with regulations)

7. Quality (Make a better product: and you'll go out of business)

8. The Pedant (For people who look down on "ain't" but say, "He gave it to John and I yesterday.")

Cassette 11 Side 2 Maine Speech

1. Pros & Cons of Auto Control (It's something like gun control)

2. Chicken Poop For The Soil (The first Gramp Wiley story: a Maine farmer fertilizes)

3. Modern Education (Educational guidelines for today)

4. The Legal Scholar (The best legal minds in Maine today didn't go to law school)

5.A Dialogue (Gramp Wiley, as Socrates, advises Paunchamedes, the fat hedonist)

6. Noise (Gramp Wiley hears two car doors slam when his bachelor neighbor arrives home late at night)

7. No Nonsense (A retired librarian working as night clerk goes by the regulations when dealing with a hold up man)

8. The Auto Makers (Standard Oil's experts prove that a solar car won't work)

Cassette 12 Side 1 The Art Park

1. Simulators (Student teaching, art training & marriage, simulated by computers)

2. Dry Wood (Gramp Wiley tells how to get heat out of an old wood stove)

3. The Con Persons (Is it junk, paint sloppings or modern art?)

4. The Prospector (One day the poor grandson of an old prospector is working on his cellar wall when he suddenly quits and never works again)

5. The Art Park (A social commentary on abstract art)

6. The Hoss Trader (Selling real estate in Maine is horse trading)

7. House Pets (Pigs are ideal house pets: don't chase cars, don't shed)

Cassette 12 Side 2 The Art Park

1. The Mobster (Need to break someone's leg? --- give them a ticket to the ski slopes at Sugarloaf)

2. A Real Life Drama (Why are Maine men who shoot bear afraid of a rat?)

3. Green Olives (How to choose a Maine restaurant)

4. The Trust Fund (A shrink helps a Maine man learn to trust all women)

5. Anything's An Improvement (He quit teaching to clean lavatories in the NYC subway system: his neighbors don't look down on him any more)

Cassette 13 Side 1 Conflict

1. The Survivalists (Thrifty Uncle Ern built his house out of hardtack --- ate the spare room when the kids moved out)

2. The Student (Freshman at college struggles with the bureaucracy)

3. Conflict (Psychologist Addler says that if Gramp Wiley wants a happy marriage he's got to be willing to fight for it)

4. The Urbanite (Man from the city is mugged in Maine --- it makes him so homesick that he moves back to Boston)

5. The Writer (His stories are so meaningless and poorly written that only the New Yorker will publish them)

6. Surnames (Cooper made barrels, Smith worked iron, Crocker lied)

7. The Cynic (Gramp Wiley teaches a lesson about people: too proud to have food given to them --- they steal it at night)

Cassette 13 Side 2 Conflict

1. The Artist (If Andy Wyeth paints our house we'd never get no rest from slick magazine reporters and arty photographers)

2. Self Esteem (All men who work hard are insecure --- what happens when California psychology touches a successful Maine logger)

3. Switchell Root (It looks like a potato, you put it in your armpit, it's highly addictive and kills over 300,000 Americans yearly: no wonder kids can't wait to try it)

4. Scientific Improvements (Gramp Wiley says that when things aren't made to wear out quickly, the economy collapses. See the Depression)

5. The Storekeeper (The true story of a Maine storekeeper --- she put her keys in the coffee grinder, changed diapers on the counter, etc.)

6. Nutrition (The head guru at a Nutrition camp accidentally starves)

7. A Thriller (Driving in Boston --- all cars are new because they are stolen within 18 months)

Cassette 14 Side 1 The Awards Banquet

1. Newspaper Editors (You're OK as long as you don't knock sports)

2. Tales After School (Why the third grade no longer has show and tell: last night little Leroy heard his father moaning as he did his income tax)

3. The Subversives (They work, they save, they don't spend, they retire at 40. Too many of them could destroy America)

4. The Citizen Of The Year (Even living on welfare he keeps 3 dogs)

5. One Of The Neighbors (A real Maine man goes to the kootchie show, etc.)

6. The Awards Banquet (Al Peel saved the economy by inventing dry skin --- now women spend billions trying to keep their skin moist. = Sweat)

Cassette 14 Side 2 The Awards Banquet

1. Who's In Charge Here? (A Grammar school principal eagerly takes the janitor's job so he can finally get paid for cleaning up)

2. He Had A Beautiful Body (Taken from an Old Howard vaudeville routine)

3. Gray Hair (The principal discovers why Johnny is reading three years above his grade level --- and dad's hair turns gray)

4. Soap Operas (Every soap opera you've ever seen condensed to 3 minutes)

5. The Genie (A modern genie can't get replacement parts but gives you an 800 number to call in Boston)

6. Day Dreams (Adapted from an old English story about a man who dreams he finds gold in his back yard)

7. Mid Life Crisis (Psychologist Addler counsels a troubled man who is worried because he isn't having an affair with his secretary)

Cassette 15 Side 1 The Real Meaning of Christmas

1. The Real Meaning of Christmas (A Christmas story for the 2000s that will play on your heartstrings. Many requests for this)

2. My Friend Addler (His kid is abnormal --- hates video games and the sex and violence on TV but loves to read Isaac Asimov & Twain)

3. The Rest Home (How would the Lone Ranger improve his ratings nowadays? Meanwhile, Tonto slides a TV dinner into the campfire)

4. The Speaker (It must be easy and it must be profitable: every politician who gets out of jail immediately takes to the platform)

5. Life-styles (When the kids learned that Granny had $20,000 squirreled away, they put her in a rest home so they could spend it)

Cassette 15 Side 2 The Real Meaning of Christmas

1. Letter To Home (A young girl writes home about her wonderful job in a Maine restaurant --- after this you'll never eat in one again)

2. The Perfect Store (How to buy beer & cigarettes with food stamps in a Maine store)

3. The Big Shot (Yankee magazine reprinted part of this story --- how the lobster retailers skin the tourists in Maine)

4. Hard News (The motel is robbed but the editor doesn't print the story --- he owns both and it might discourage tourists)

5. Experts (Reprinted in the Boston Herald --- an expert is someone who knows it can't be done --- a fool simply goes ahead and does it)

6. Who is Crazy? (New system keeps spark in marriage bright --- you live with despicable creeps and sneak off to see your spouse at night)

Cassette 16 Side 1 Art & Artists

1. The Educational Party (Superintendent of schools tells what is wrong with education today and what he is doing about it)

2. The Black Fly Party (Ornithologist wants to meet young woman willing to sacrifice everything for a few cheep thrills --- personal ads)

3. Art & Artists (The economy in NH is so good that people can paint their weathered barns: artists have been forced to flee to Maine)

4. The Salesman (Artist who wanted to suffer in poverty failed: sold everything he ever painted. He should have gotten an agent)

5. The Dowager (Rich kids trying to look poor and poor kids trying to look rich have confused their parents.)

6. Playing With Words (The dating game for young [35-50] singles)

Cassette 16 Side 2 Art & Artists

1. Old Age (Gramp Wiley still loves his wife --- in 60 years she has never once cried about not having a meaningful relationship)

2. Trust Fund Hippies (Granola cultists waste away to skeletal frames --- those who don't starve to death get jobs as fashion models)

3. Something For Nothing (The premise of any con scam is something for nothing --- "the state will pay for the new schools.")

4. The Good Samaritan (A city man is saved by a cabin dwelling hippie)

5. Nostalgia (Nostalgia is the misery of today as seen in 50 years)

6. Lost In The Woods (A city man gets lost in the Maine woods yearly --- it becomes an annual media event --- up here he is Somebody)

7. Good Looks (Homely boys turn into good looking men when they reach the magic age of 40 and can take young women to Europe)

Cassette 17 Side 1 Mutual Suffering

1. Producing Interesting Copy (True newspaper reports from down east)

2. Modern Senior Citizens (Carry more drugs than you'd find in a rock band)

3. Alumni Day (Teachers can't afford to take a day off to attend)

4. Mutual Suffering (marriage)

5. The Food Critic (A snob's guide to fine dining in Maine)

5. Gramp Wiley Talks Sense (cute kittens on calendars have been stuffed)

6. King For A Day (King Lear, Midas and the hemophilia crowd)

Cassette 17 Side 2 Mutual Suffering

1. The Shoppers' Olympics (They shut down the store when they found out they could still provide the same amount of service)

2. Gramp Wiley's Comprehensive Plan (Pay teachers as much as doctors? One is in charge of your child's body --- the other only his mind)

3. Working Together in Harmony (City council meetings run as tag team wrestling match. City manager rattles chain link belt)

4. Protecting The Public (The only excuse for professional licensing is to keep those who are in in and those who are out out)

5. I Enjoy Gossip (Changing times --- call an 800 number to find out what Swedes are calling themselves this week)

6. Money in Circulation (Woman without food or heat in home has appointment with hairdresser)

7. The Right To Know (Reporter Deep Ink provides prefabricated opinions)

Cassette 18 Side 1 Why The Upper Class Can't Sleep

1. Clint Eastwood: Master Wimp (Real men cry when Clint discards his .44 Auto Mag for a .38 barely adequate for shooting small mice)

2. The Granola Poultice (Hippie uses granola instead of salt pork to draw out the infection --- but granola ferments)

3. Merit Pay For Teachers (The basic flaw is that education can be measured --- a carry over from our industrialized society)

4. The Great Mogul (How many in Rockland were fleeced by a super con man)

5. Professionalism (Yogis fight at their convention over how many nails should be in a bed or which type of hot coals pollutes the most)

6. Why the Upper Class Can't Sleep (Worrying about saving the whales or the rainforests can't compete with chopping 4 cords of wood)

Cassette 18 Side 2 Why The Upper Class Can't Sleep

1. The Maverick (Kid of movie stars worries parents by dating a Mormon librarian --- he feels guilty because he doesn't drink or drug)

2. Guilt and Viable Alternatives (Rich kids ashamed of their wealth enrich Addler, the psychologist, as he bites his nails)

3. Greed & WATTS Line Hustlers (The Attorney General outlines a few of the more common scams practiced in Maine)

4. The Reformer (You can't get pure chemicals anymore --- they contain at least .002% food)

5. The Sue 'Em System (People concerned about their rights go to court to court to circumvent justice)

Topic Guide

Many of these topics do, of course, overlap. Marriage & Crime and Divorce may all be in the same story. Education and Welfare may be in the same story. But this should steer you in the right direction if you are shopping for a special topic for yourself or to surprise and delight a friend.

General topics Found on Tapes Numbered

Art 12, 12, 13, 16, 16

Bureaucrats 11, 11, 14

Business 11

Cats & Dogs 12, 17

Christmas 15

City Councils 18

City Life 13, 13

Computers 12

Con Man 18

Crime 18

Dating 16, 16, 16

Dentist 11

Divorce 12, 14

Economics 13, 14, 14

Education 11, 12, 12, 14, 14, 14, 16, 16, 17, 18, 18

Experts 15

Food 12, 13, 15, 17, 18

Hippies 16, 16, 18

Hunting 12, 16

Law 11, 11, 18, 18

Language 11, 11, 13

Librarian 11

Lobsters 15

Maine Lies 11, 11, 11, 12, 12, 13, 14

Maine Men 14

Marriage 15, 17

Newspapers 14, 15, 17, 18

Nursing 11

Old Age 15, 16, 17

Philosophy 11, 16, 18

Politically Correct 18

Psychology 13, 13, 15, 16, 18, 18

Real Estate 12

Rich People 18, 18

Science 11

Sexism 14

Smoking 13

Soap Operas 14

Speaking 15

Sports 12

Storekeeper 13, 15, 18

Welfare 13, 14, 15, 18

Writer 13

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Robert Skoglund
785 River Road
St. George, ME 04860

© 2012 Robert Karl Skoglund